Happy 1/2 Birthday Amelia

Wow! My baby is 6 months old. It is hard to believe that an entire half of a year has gone by! I remember when I would count how old she was by the days and then by the weeks. The first 30 days felt as though a year passed within each one. Now, the days are lighter and have become too many to keep track.

My life has changed in a million more ways than I ever thought possible since having Amelia, yet I am amazed that I still remain me. There were moments in the past 6 months, though, that I feared I was never going to feel like "me" again. It has certainly been an evolving process of becoming a mom. Or, I should say, it is has been a constant struggle trying to keep my identity without being a mom take over my whole self. I cannot ever shut off the mom button: I cannot ignore Amelia's cries; I have to plan my day around her eating and sleeping schedule; I must take care of her laundry so she has clean diapers and clothes; I cannot stop worrying if she is sick; I cannot stop loving her. So with all of these responsibilities how do I not become solely Amelia's mom? I don't know if I have it quite figured out but I make sure to do little things every day to remain sane, like shower, go for a walk, and take a deep breath. Such simple things that were once taken for granted have now become pieces of ecstasy.

Becoming a working mom, I think, has really helped my sanity and making sure I remain myself. Staying at home with Amelia all day every day was rather isolating and simply put the hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love every moment spent with Amelia, but it is just so hard some days. Looking back, I think it was especially difficult for me as I don't have family nearby, I didn't have a car (or very rarely had a car) to go somewhere or anywhere, and I don't have a lot of mom friends. Let's face it, those who don't have kids aren't stopping by all the time.

Despite the challenges of staying home with Amelia, going back to work was excruciatingly difficult. My heart aches when I leave her, and I feel like the worst mom in the world. Some days, I feel mad (at the world, at me..) for having to leave her to work. I absolutely hate having to leave her in the arms of someone else while I am gone. I fear I am missing out on so many things that will quickly pass and worry she loves me a little less for leaving her. Nothing in life is easy any more. I don't think I can emotionally (or financially) stay at home with Amelia all day by myself. So, instead, I go to work and try to ignore the bellyache it causes.

As spring is here (and many days feel like summer), her first year feels like it is coming to a complete circle. I am very much looking forward to these last two seasons, spring and summer, of her first year. Soon she'll be walking, eating, and talking! While I have so much to look forward to, I don't want to lose the moments I am experiencing now. I always strive to live in the moment and wish to do just that with Amelia.

Happy 5 Months!

Amelia is 5 months old today! I can't believe it! It was only year ago that I was the sickest I ever remember being and questioned whether or not I would be able to get through the pregnancy without it killing me. I am so happy to be here where I am in life and couldn't imagine my life without this little girl. I know it has been said before, but she truly is my whole world.

Life is beginning to get easier. The first 3 months were really challenging trying to get to know my new baby and having her want to be by side 24 hours a day. Now I feel more confident as a mama. I understand Amelia most of the time and know that we have a great relationship. She's also made it a lot easier by enjoying playing with herself every once in a while.

Everyday, Amelia seems to grow more and more. She can grab things within her each with accuracy and expresses wants. She wants everything within her reach, especially the cats. She can grab her feet and rocks back and forth all the time. In fact, she is super squirmy. She loves spending time on the floor, both on her back and belly. She can roll both ways but hardly every does. She seems somewhat surprised when she does roll over and usually does it on accident or when she is trying to reach a toy out of her reach. Everyone remarks how amazed they are by how alert and strong she is. She has been able to hold her head up for a quite a while and follows people (or cats) as they walk across the room. She is constantly turning her head both ways to soak everything in. She is amazing at tummy time, as she can push herself up on her hands. I think she is going to be walking sooner than we would like, and I believe she will be a very active kid.

I love watching Amelia learn about the world around her. Everything is brand new and amazing to her. She has a look of amazement all the time. She has recently been able to play in her jumperoo and loves it! When I turn the music on it, she smiles at me with glee. Her smiles light up the whole world! Her whole body will smile, and I couldn't be a happier mama.

I get asked a lot how I like being a mama. I absolutely love it! I also do have the most beautiful and smart girl. :) There are so many joys in being mama. For all the challenges that being a mama bring, I have also experienced the most intense happiness and love in my whole life. While Amelia seems to love me more than anything else in her world (she smiles every time I enter the room and reaches for me which all fill up my heart with joy), I know that she will never have the same love for me as I do for her. Loving someone unconditionally and without expecting the same love in return is possibly only what a parent can experience. My heart aches when she cries, and I will do everything in my power to make her happy. I was told it can be hard for some new mamas to feel love at first sight with their babies. I didn't find this true for me at all. Rather, I wasn't prepared for how my love for my little girl would completely consume my baby to a point that my heart hurts as it might explode.

Working Mom

My maternity leave seems to have just flown by. I really enjoyed and greatly appreciated being able to spend so much time with Amelia over these past few months. The next chapter in our lives together has begun with me going back to work. I completely dreaded going back and was a bit depressed about it for a while. I have been afraid of all the moments I am going to miss and have been worried about how Amelia is going to adjust without me. And maybe selfishly, I love spending every moment with her. 

Going back to work was just as hard as expected or maybe even more so. Amelia did not do so well the first day with the nanny. I had the nanny come over for an afternoon the week I went back to work so Amelia and her could get acquainted while I was still home. I left that day to go to a dentist appointment and came home to Amelia screaming and crying tears. It took me a long time to calm her down once she was in my arms. This horrible experience made me question ever leaving her again. 

Last week was my first week back to work, and it didn't go as bad as that first day. There were tears on both ends, but we seem to be doing just fine. I have to admit I was completely exhausted and went to bed by 8pm on that first day back! The nanny came to work with me so Amelia was nearby at all times. This made things incredibly easier for the both of us! I could feed her whenever Amelia wanted to eat, and I visited her throughout the day. Did I mention that Amelia won't take a bottle? Nope, doesn't like it. I didn't want to leave her all day when I knew she wouldn't eat so this was a great solution. She still wasn't happy about me leaving but, at least, I knew she was okay and was able to hold her almost anytime I wanted. 

My second week back has been even better.. probably because I haven't left her with the nanny at all yet. Amelia came with me to the MLK Marade on Monday and even went to the office with me today. She is such a wonderful baby! Going into the office with me was awesome. She played on a blanket on the floor and slept in her carseat/stroller. She hardly cried at all. She was a little talkative so hopefully didn't disturb anyone too much. 

Being able to take a fairly lengthy maternity leave and ease myself back into work has been incredibly awesome! I love my job even more now that I am a mom. While it can be hard to balance my work with my baby, I feel an even stronger connection to the work I do. 

Amelia sleeping with her daddy. 

Oh Precious Sleep

Amelia turned 12 weeks yesterday! She is almost 3 months old, and I hear things begin to get easier at 3 months (let's hope!). Truthfully, though, I am really thankful for how happy she is most of the time. She sleeps and eats pretty well. It is just when I hear stories from extremely lucky moms that their little one's are sleeping 9+ hours a night that I feel bad or think she isn't doing what is right. I try not to compare her to other babies cause what is normal? Honestly, I have been feeling really great (meaning not a sleep-deprived zombie as I once was). Amelia has started to get into a good rhythm. She sleeps soundly at night, only waking one or two times. She has also recently been "sleeping in" until 6 and sometimes almost 8! This is much better than her 5am wakings. Lately, I have been kinda liking her night-time feedings. She is super calm and eats with ease during these times. She goes right back to sleep after getting her fill. It is such an intimate, precious time that we spend together that I know will soon pass. I'm half asleep when I feed her at night but am not thinking about all the things I need to do once the feeding is done. As long as she keep as one or two nightly feedings rather than feeding every hour, I feel golden.

While I do feel lucky to have such a wonderful baby (I mean she is the cutest, most adorable creature!), I will do anything to get her to sleep. When she is super tired she is super cranky which makes me in turn super cranky. Her cries make me want to cry or scream on the top of my lungs as well. In a typical day, I usually walk up and down the stairs for a couple of hours lulling her to sleep (at least I get my work-out in!). Tightly wrapped up in the moby, this is about the only way she will fall (and stay which is the most important) asleep. She will also fall asleep in the car or stroller (and yes, I resort to these too but not as much since it's been so cold). Once she is finally asleep, I rarely can sit down or stand still. Oh precious sleep. Maybe one day, you'll lie down and welcome sleep.

I sometimes worry that I am never going to be able to get Amelia to sleep on her own. She is quite attached to me which I think is really good at this age. In fact, I love it that she can pick out my face and loves me to hold her. Recently, she has become much more cuddly. She snuggles her head into my chest which is oh so cute. But it would be nice to maybe take a nap myself once in a while or simply have my body free again. Just once in a while. Strangely enough, we co-sleep at night but Amelia won't let me lie down with her during the day. Only she gets precious sleep then. I do worry about how she will sleep when I go back to work. Will someone else be able to get her to sleep? I've decided our nanny will just have to figure out a way that works for her, just as I had to figure out what works for me. For now, sleeping in the moby is what is working. She goes to sleep relatively easy (again  not so sure what is easy but do know it is a hell of a lot easier than trying to get her to sleep in the crib or anywhere else on her own).

I know I used to be a much harsher judge on parents when I nannied and worked in child care. Now that I am a parent, I know that you just gotta do what brings you mental sanity. If that means driving for an hour to get your baby to sleep than that's what you gotta do. Amelia sleeps her best when lying next to me or being carried. It brings me much happiness knowing she is sleeping peacefully. It is also really nice to be able to hear her breathe and look at her precious face every second.

Oh, sleep is so precious. And once that sleep has arrived, I want to make sure we don't have to do the dance all over again for a while.

Here are some pictures of her sleeping at 10 and 12 weeks (sorry have not figured out how to rotate pictures).

Vegan without Soy

So, Amelia and I saw her doctor again today. I have taken her a couple times as she projectile vomits on occasion. It is horrible when she does vomit.. it usually goes across the room and makes a complete mess. I mean, get out the mop kinda mess. I called several times about this (as she has done it since she has been 1 or 2 weeks old) but no-one would take me seriously. They kept telling me, well all babies spit up on occasion and it is probably more than you think. No, this is a lot! Finally, I got a doctor to listen to me. She thinks Amelia might have a sensitivity to milk and soy. Since, I already don't eat milk, I just have to eliminate soy. I took her back to the doctor today because she has still been throwing up even though I have eliminated soy. It may take a while for the soy to get out of her system so the doctor isn't too worried. She thinks Amelia might also have some reflux issues. So, she is now taking some antacids. Poor thing! Not even 3 months old and is already on medicine. I hope it all makes her feel better though.

Eliminating soy from my diet is a little difficult but I think I can do it. I can easily substitute almond milk for soy milk. I've been eating a lot of beans now that I can't have tofu or tempeh. I just can't believe how many things have soy in it though. Chocolate chips, for instance, have soy in them! I've also been making sure to eat a lot more greens as they have a lot of calcium in them. I just hope she doesn't become of intolerant of more things as it would be difficult to eliminate more things from my diet.

Well, I can't believe it is already mid-December. We got our Christmas tree yesterday! I just need to decorate it now. I think Amelia will love the lights!!! She loves looking at things around her, especially ceiling lights. I'm super excited about her first Christmas. It is going to be too easy to spoil her with lots of presents. :)

It has been really hard to blog as Amelia usually only catnaps throughout the day. She has been asleep for nearly 2 hours now! I don't want to wake her as it takes so long to get her to sleep. Plus, she hasn't taken any other good naps all day. But, I probably should wake her soon as she is supposed to eat every 3 hours. I've also been worried about her weight gain, which has been slower than it should so it is really important she gets fed often. The weight gain (or lack of weight gain) might be from her reflux issues and/or the soy intolerance. I'm trying to get it figured out! It sure is hard as I don't know what is or is not normal for such little ones.

Here are a few recent pictures (as you can see she loves to put her hands in her mouth!):

They Grow So Fast!

Yes, it is something that every parent  has told me. "They grow so fast! Enjoy them while they are little!" Every day Amelia seems to change and get bigger. She had her two month appointment this week and weighed 9.7 lbs. She is only in the 20th percentile but still seems so big! We saw a newborn at a restaurant this past week, and I cannot believe how much Amelia has changed. Amelia looked like a big kid compared to the little newborn.

While part of me wants her to stay little forever, I am also looking forward to the day when I can sleep longer hours and possibly do more things for myself (like cook dinner!). I'm also excited to see what kind of person she is going to be. It is going to be amazing to watch her take her first steps and speak her first words.

Amelia seems to be more comfortable with the world around her and is extremely interested in looking at everything. She has a look of amazement on her face at almost all times. She loves staring at the sky and things on the ceiling. I can't imagine what is going through her little brain seeing the world for the first time. As she has become a little more comfortable with her surroundings, she has been letting others hold her and smiles almost all the time  now. She even wants to be put down now to explore the floor and move her body. It has been such a relief to be able to set her down for a few minutes. I can finally take a shower! :)

Amelia and I have been getting a lot more active. We went to our first mommy and me yoga class last week and are planning on going again today! The class was lots of fun. Amelia behaved super well, and it was great to be able to do yoga again. I feel completely out of shape. We have also gone out to eat several times, and Amelia slept through almost all of the meals. My friend Katie visited this past weekend, and Amelia took her first trip to the mountains! We drove to Idaho Springs and stopped at Red Rocks. It has been really nice to leave the house every once in a while. Staying at home all day with her can be really lonely and make me feel crazy. It is exhausting going out but is essential for my mental health.

Amelia looking at the ceiling (6 weeks old)

Amelia's First Trip to Sweet Action Ice Cream! 

Smiling Baby! 

First Month with Amelia

Wow! Amelia is 5 weeks today! This past month has gone by so quickly, yet I cannot imagine my life without her. I don't think I have ever felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and, yet, overcome with so much love. My life has completely changed in ways that are indescribable. I love this little girl so much.

This past month almost seems a blur. Amelia and I have spent our time bonding and getting to know each other. The first few weeks, Joshua and I called the doctor's office multiple times as we panicked something was wrong with her. Everything was fine and normal. I've spent my time this past month trying to figure out what makes this little girl happy and memorizing her beautiful face. I think we are finally beginning to figure each other out.

Having a baby is incredibly harder than I ever thought. From the intense hormone and bodily changes I am going through to the ear piercing screaming of Amelia, I have felt as though I have lost my mind several times. Amelia insists on being held ALL the time and by me. Simple things like taking a shower or sitting down to watch an entire tv show have become distant memories and dream vacations. 

Amelia is the sweetest girl despite all the challenges she brings. She has been smiling a lot lately in response to faces or sounds and makes the silliest faces. She provides immense amounts of entertainment. The things Amelia likes right now are being held (while standing up and bouncing), being sung to (especially Wagon Wheel and Baby Beluga), being in the moby wrap, and going for stroller walks. She absolutely hates getting her diaper changed and baths. 

I'm amazed every time I look at her that she is here in our lives. She is the most precious being I have ever seen. She absolutely takes my breath away and brings me to tears at times.

Amelia's First Stroller Ride

Amelia's First Bath

Tummy Time