First Camping Trip

Amelia had her first camping trip and festival at the beginning of June. It was a HUGE success! I have to admit I was a bit nervous as the trip was planned about 6 hours away from home in Pagosa Springs, CO and for 3 nights. We decided to jump all in and just hoped for the best.

The ride was a little long getting there but we just stopped when Amelia was upset and then would continue on our way. She sleeps great in the car which is really awesome. The biggest downfall of the weekend was that it was freezing at night. I didn't sleep well as I feared Amelia was too cold. I packed a lot of clothes for Amelia and she seemed fine. In thinking about what I needed to bring for Amelia, I completely forgot about my own needs as per usual. I did not bring nearly enough warm clothes for myself. Must make a mental note to myself that camping in the mountains is cold at night and hot during the day.

Once we arrived at the festival grounds, I knew that trying to prevent Amelia from eating whatever was on the ground was going to be my biggest task of the weekend. She loved exploring all the sticks and dirt but ended up throwing up from swallowing a small stick. I was thankful it came out but I learned my lesson quick. She had to be monitored extremely closely every single second. She spent a lot of time in the carrier and also found out that she loved playing on a tarp laid out on the ground. Crawling on the tarp would make a crinkly sound that she enjoyed, so much that she would not crawl off the tarp. She also loved being in the tent! She would giggle and smile exploring her new space. We had so much fun over the weekend!

A really awesome aspect of this festival is that it is close to the hot springs! We got a week pass to the hot springs so could go whenever we wanted. Amelia has recently started swim lessons and loves being in the water. It was a great relief being in the water from trying to keep her from swallowing more sticks. When in the water, she can't crawl away!

I am really looking forward to future camping trips with our family. We had such an amazing weekend relaxing outside, listening to great bluegrass music, and soaking in the hot springs!

Flying with Baby

Amelia successfully took her first airplane ride! I can't believe I am going to say this, but it was easy! She was smiles the whole time and security wasn't even a big deal. She slept over an hour on the first flight and enjoyed looking at all the people near her. I even had one guy ask me "what was my secret" in having such a happy easy baby.

Amelia's first plane ride was to Illinois for Easter weekend. We had a wonderful weekend visiting family. Amelia's great-grandma (my grandma) drove to my parent's house to visit her. My grandma loves seeing Amelia, and I love listening to my grandma tell stories about raising her children. It is amazing that my grandma can recall the times her children were born and their exact weights.

I have a lot of fun taking Amelia places. I feel as though the whole world around me is smiling as everyone smiles right back at Amelia's beautiful face. The world is such a beautiful place with Amelia in it. 

While home in Illinois, I realized that I feel like I am getting this mom thing down a bit. I feel a lot more relaxed and at ease with what to expect. I am very pleased that my personality still shines through being a mom. In fact, I have found that my style with everything in life is easily conveyed in how I parent. For instance, I am very anti-schedule with Amelia and came to the realization this weekend that a lack of a schedule eliminates a lot of stress for me. I like to believe that I am very flexible and down-to-earth person in everyday life so it only makes sense that I wouldn't impose a schedule on my baby. Rather than sticking to a time when we need to nap or feed, I listen to Amelia to let me know what she needs. I don't understand why so many people advocate for a schedule for babies when their needs seem to change day by day. Sticking to a schedule seems to me that it would only create stress rather than eliminate or prevent it. Of course Amelia's day thus looks different day by day, but I am okay with that. If she is home sleeping, I don't leave until she wakes up. If I am somewhere in public and Amelia happens to get hungry, I feed her wherever I am. Some days Amelia fights sleep, but I don't force her to sleep. Trying to make her sleep is next to impossible. So this is my little piece of advice for new parents (and a reminder to myself if I ever do this journey again), go with the flow. Listen to your baby, and she will tell you what she needs.

Happy 1/2 Birthday Amelia

Wow! My baby is 6 months old. It is hard to believe that an entire half of a year has gone by! I remember when I would count how old she was by the days and then by the weeks. The first 30 days felt as though a year passed within each one. Now, the days are lighter and have become too many to keep track.

My life has changed in a million more ways than I ever thought possible since having Amelia, yet I am amazed that I still remain me. There were moments in the past 6 months, though, that I feared I was never going to feel like "me" again. It has certainly been an evolving process of becoming a mom. Or, I should say, it is has been a constant struggle trying to keep my identity without being a mom take over my whole self. I cannot ever shut off the mom button: I cannot ignore Amelia's cries; I have to plan my day around her eating and sleeping schedule; I must take care of her laundry so she has clean diapers and clothes; I cannot stop worrying if she is sick; I cannot stop loving her. So with all of these responsibilities how do I not become solely Amelia's mom? I don't know if I have it quite figured out but I make sure to do little things every day to remain sane, like shower, go for a walk, and take a deep breath. Such simple things that were once taken for granted have now become pieces of ecstasy.

Becoming a working mom, I think, has really helped my sanity and making sure I remain myself. Staying at home with Amelia all day every day was rather isolating and simply put the hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love every moment spent with Amelia, but it is just so hard some days. Looking back, I think it was especially difficult for me as I don't have family nearby, I didn't have a car (or very rarely had a car) to go somewhere or anywhere, and I don't have a lot of mom friends. Let's face it, those who don't have kids aren't stopping by all the time.

Despite the challenges of staying home with Amelia, going back to work was excruciatingly difficult. My heart aches when I leave her, and I feel like the worst mom in the world. Some days, I feel mad (at the world, at me..) for having to leave her to work. I absolutely hate having to leave her in the arms of someone else while I am gone. I fear I am missing out on so many things that will quickly pass and worry she loves me a little less for leaving her. Nothing in life is easy any more. I don't think I can emotionally (or financially) stay at home with Amelia all day by myself. So, instead, I go to work and try to ignore the bellyache it causes.

As spring is here (and many days feel like summer), her first year feels like it is coming to a complete circle. I am very much looking forward to these last two seasons, spring and summer, of her first year. Soon she'll be walking, eating, and talking! While I have so much to look forward to, I don't want to lose the moments I am experiencing now. I always strive to live in the moment and wish to do just that with Amelia.

Happy 5 Months!

Amelia is 5 months old today! I can't believe it! It was only year ago that I was the sickest I ever remember being and questioned whether or not I would be able to get through the pregnancy without it killing me. I am so happy to be here where I am in life and couldn't imagine my life without this little girl. I know it has been said before, but she truly is my whole world.

Life is beginning to get easier. The first 3 months were really challenging trying to get to know my new baby and having her want to be by side 24 hours a day. Now I feel more confident as a mama. I understand Amelia most of the time and know that we have a great relationship. She's also made it a lot easier by enjoying playing with herself every once in a while.

Everyday, Amelia seems to grow more and more. She can grab things within her each with accuracy and expresses wants. She wants everything within her reach, especially the cats. She can grab her feet and rocks back and forth all the time. In fact, she is super squirmy. She loves spending time on the floor, both on her back and belly. She can roll both ways but hardly every does. She seems somewhat surprised when she does roll over and usually does it on accident or when she is trying to reach a toy out of her reach. Everyone remarks how amazed they are by how alert and strong she is. She has been able to hold her head up for a quite a while and follows people (or cats) as they walk across the room. She is constantly turning her head both ways to soak everything in. She is amazing at tummy time, as she can push herself up on her hands. I think she is going to be walking sooner than we would like, and I believe she will be a very active kid.

I love watching Amelia learn about the world around her. Everything is brand new and amazing to her. She has a look of amazement all the time. She has recently been able to play in her jumperoo and loves it! When I turn the music on it, she smiles at me with glee. Her smiles light up the whole world! Her whole body will smile, and I couldn't be a happier mama.

I get asked a lot how I like being a mama. I absolutely love it! I also do have the most beautiful and smart girl. :) There are so many joys in being mama. For all the challenges that being a mama bring, I have also experienced the most intense happiness and love in my whole life. While Amelia seems to love me more than anything else in her world (she smiles every time I enter the room and reaches for me which all fill up my heart with joy), I know that she will never have the same love for me as I do for her. Loving someone unconditionally and without expecting the same love in return is possibly only what a parent can experience. My heart aches when she cries, and I will do everything in my power to make her happy. I was told it can be hard for some new mamas to feel love at first sight with their babies. I didn't find this true for me at all. Rather, I wasn't prepared for how my love for my little girl would completely consume my baby to a point that my heart hurts as it might explode.

Working Mom

My maternity leave seems to have just flown by. I really enjoyed and greatly appreciated being able to spend so much time with Amelia over these past few months. The next chapter in our lives together has begun with me going back to work. I completely dreaded going back and was a bit depressed about it for a while. I have been afraid of all the moments I am going to miss and have been worried about how Amelia is going to adjust without me. And maybe selfishly, I love spending every moment with her. 

Going back to work was just as hard as expected or maybe even more so. Amelia did not do so well the first day with the nanny. I had the nanny come over for an afternoon the week I went back to work so Amelia and her could get acquainted while I was still home. I left that day to go to a dentist appointment and came home to Amelia screaming and crying tears. It took me a long time to calm her down once she was in my arms. This horrible experience made me question ever leaving her again. 

Last week was my first week back to work, and it didn't go as bad as that first day. There were tears on both ends, but we seem to be doing just fine. I have to admit I was completely exhausted and went to bed by 8pm on that first day back! The nanny came to work with me so Amelia was nearby at all times. This made things incredibly easier for the both of us! I could feed her whenever Amelia wanted to eat, and I visited her throughout the day. Did I mention that Amelia won't take a bottle? Nope, doesn't like it. I didn't want to leave her all day when I knew she wouldn't eat so this was a great solution. She still wasn't happy about me leaving but, at least, I knew she was okay and was able to hold her almost anytime I wanted. 

My second week back has been even better.. probably because I haven't left her with the nanny at all yet. Amelia came with me to the MLK Marade on Monday and even went to the office with me today. She is such a wonderful baby! Going into the office with me was awesome. She played on a blanket on the floor and slept in her carseat/stroller. She hardly cried at all. She was a little talkative so hopefully didn't disturb anyone too much. 

Being able to take a fairly lengthy maternity leave and ease myself back into work has been incredibly awesome! I love my job even more now that I am a mom. While it can be hard to balance my work with my baby, I feel an even stronger connection to the work I do. 

Amelia sleeping with her daddy. 

Oh Precious Sleep

Amelia turned 12 weeks yesterday! She is almost 3 months old, and I hear things begin to get easier at 3 months (let's hope!). Truthfully, though, I am really thankful for how happy she is most of the time. She sleeps and eats pretty well. It is just when I hear stories from extremely lucky moms that their little one's are sleeping 9+ hours a night that I feel bad or think she isn't doing what is right. I try not to compare her to other babies cause what is normal? Honestly, I have been feeling really great (meaning not a sleep-deprived zombie as I once was). Amelia has started to get into a good rhythm. She sleeps soundly at night, only waking one or two times. She has also recently been "sleeping in" until 6 and sometimes almost 8! This is much better than her 5am wakings. Lately, I have been kinda liking her night-time feedings. She is super calm and eats with ease during these times. She goes right back to sleep after getting her fill. It is such an intimate, precious time that we spend together that I know will soon pass. I'm half asleep when I feed her at night but am not thinking about all the things I need to do once the feeding is done. As long as she keep as one or two nightly feedings rather than feeding every hour, I feel golden.

While I do feel lucky to have such a wonderful baby (I mean she is the cutest, most adorable creature!), I will do anything to get her to sleep. When she is super tired she is super cranky which makes me in turn super cranky. Her cries make me want to cry or scream on the top of my lungs as well. In a typical day, I usually walk up and down the stairs for a couple of hours lulling her to sleep (at least I get my work-out in!). Tightly wrapped up in the moby, this is about the only way she will fall (and stay which is the most important) asleep. She will also fall asleep in the car or stroller (and yes, I resort to these too but not as much since it's been so cold). Once she is finally asleep, I rarely can sit down or stand still. Oh precious sleep. Maybe one day, you'll lie down and welcome sleep.

I sometimes worry that I am never going to be able to get Amelia to sleep on her own. She is quite attached to me which I think is really good at this age. In fact, I love it that she can pick out my face and loves me to hold her. Recently, she has become much more cuddly. She snuggles her head into my chest which is oh so cute. But it would be nice to maybe take a nap myself once in a while or simply have my body free again. Just once in a while. Strangely enough, we co-sleep at night but Amelia won't let me lie down with her during the day. Only she gets precious sleep then. I do worry about how she will sleep when I go back to work. Will someone else be able to get her to sleep? I've decided our nanny will just have to figure out a way that works for her, just as I had to figure out what works for me. For now, sleeping in the moby is what is working. She goes to sleep relatively easy (again  not so sure what is easy but do know it is a hell of a lot easier than trying to get her to sleep in the crib or anywhere else on her own).

I know I used to be a much harsher judge on parents when I nannied and worked in child care. Now that I am a parent, I know that you just gotta do what brings you mental sanity. If that means driving for an hour to get your baby to sleep than that's what you gotta do. Amelia sleeps her best when lying next to me or being carried. It brings me much happiness knowing she is sleeping peacefully. It is also really nice to be able to hear her breathe and look at her precious face every second.

Oh, sleep is so precious. And once that sleep has arrived, I want to make sure we don't have to do the dance all over again for a while.

Here are some pictures of her sleeping at 10 and 12 weeks (sorry have not figured out how to rotate pictures).

Vegan without Soy

So, Amelia and I saw her doctor again today. I have taken her a couple times as she projectile vomits on occasion. It is horrible when she does vomit.. it usually goes across the room and makes a complete mess. I mean, get out the mop kinda mess. I called several times about this (as she has done it since she has been 1 or 2 weeks old) but no-one would take me seriously. They kept telling me, well all babies spit up on occasion and it is probably more than you think. No, this is a lot! Finally, I got a doctor to listen to me. She thinks Amelia might have a sensitivity to milk and soy. Since, I already don't eat milk, I just have to eliminate soy. I took her back to the doctor today because she has still been throwing up even though I have eliminated soy. It may take a while for the soy to get out of her system so the doctor isn't too worried. She thinks Amelia might also have some reflux issues. So, she is now taking some antacids. Poor thing! Not even 3 months old and is already on medicine. I hope it all makes her feel better though.

Eliminating soy from my diet is a little difficult but I think I can do it. I can easily substitute almond milk for soy milk. I've been eating a lot of beans now that I can't have tofu or tempeh. I just can't believe how many things have soy in it though. Chocolate chips, for instance, have soy in them! I've also been making sure to eat a lot more greens as they have a lot of calcium in them. I just hope she doesn't become of intolerant of more things as it would be difficult to eliminate more things from my diet.

Well, I can't believe it is already mid-December. We got our Christmas tree yesterday! I just need to decorate it now. I think Amelia will love the lights!!! She loves looking at things around her, especially ceiling lights. I'm super excited about her first Christmas. It is going to be too easy to spoil her with lots of presents. :)

It has been really hard to blog as Amelia usually only catnaps throughout the day. She has been asleep for nearly 2 hours now! I don't want to wake her as it takes so long to get her to sleep. Plus, she hasn't taken any other good naps all day. But, I probably should wake her soon as she is supposed to eat every 3 hours. I've also been worried about her weight gain, which has been slower than it should so it is really important she gets fed often. The weight gain (or lack of weight gain) might be from her reflux issues and/or the soy intolerance. I'm trying to get it figured out! It sure is hard as I don't know what is or is not normal for such little ones.

Here are a few recent pictures (as you can see she loves to put her hands in her mouth!):