Happy 5 Months!

Amelia is 5 months old today! I can't believe it! It was only year ago that I was the sickest I ever remember being and questioned whether or not I would be able to get through the pregnancy without it killing me. I am so happy to be here where I am in life and couldn't imagine my life without this little girl. I know it has been said before, but she truly is my whole world.

Life is beginning to get easier. The first 3 months were really challenging trying to get to know my new baby and having her want to be by side 24 hours a day. Now I feel more confident as a mama. I understand Amelia most of the time and know that we have a great relationship. She's also made it a lot easier by enjoying playing with herself every once in a while.

Everyday, Amelia seems to grow more and more. She can grab things within her each with accuracy and expresses wants. She wants everything within her reach, especially the cats. She can grab her feet and rocks back and forth all the time. In fact, she is super squirmy. She loves spending time on the floor, both on her back and belly. She can roll both ways but hardly every does. She seems somewhat surprised when she does roll over and usually does it on accident or when she is trying to reach a toy out of her reach. Everyone remarks how amazed they are by how alert and strong she is. She has been able to hold her head up for a quite a while and follows people (or cats) as they walk across the room. She is constantly turning her head both ways to soak everything in. She is amazing at tummy time, as she can push herself up on her hands. I think she is going to be walking sooner than we would like, and I believe she will be a very active kid.

I love watching Amelia learn about the world around her. Everything is brand new and amazing to her. She has a look of amazement all the time. She has recently been able to play in her jumperoo and loves it! When I turn the music on it, she smiles at me with glee. Her smiles light up the whole world! Her whole body will smile, and I couldn't be a happier mama.

I get asked a lot how I like being a mama. I absolutely love it! I also do have the most beautiful and smart girl. :) There are so many joys in being mama. For all the challenges that being a mama bring, I have also experienced the most intense happiness and love in my whole life. While Amelia seems to love me more than anything else in her world (she smiles every time I enter the room and reaches for me which all fill up my heart with joy), I know that she will never have the same love for me as I do for her. Loving someone unconditionally and without expecting the same love in return is possibly only what a parent can experience. My heart aches when she cries, and I will do everything in my power to make her happy. I was told it can be hard for some new mamas to feel love at first sight with their babies. I didn't find this true for me at all. Rather, I wasn't prepared for how my love for my little girl would completely consume my baby to a point that my heart hurts as it might explode.

Working Mom

My maternity leave seems to have just flown by. I really enjoyed and greatly appreciated being able to spend so much time with Amelia over these past few months. The next chapter in our lives together has begun with me going back to work. I completely dreaded going back and was a bit depressed about it for a while. I have been afraid of all the moments I am going to miss and have been worried about how Amelia is going to adjust without me. And maybe selfishly, I love spending every moment with her. 

Going back to work was just as hard as expected or maybe even more so. Amelia did not do so well the first day with the nanny. I had the nanny come over for an afternoon the week I went back to work so Amelia and her could get acquainted while I was still home. I left that day to go to a dentist appointment and came home to Amelia screaming and crying tears. It took me a long time to calm her down once she was in my arms. This horrible experience made me question ever leaving her again. 

Last week was my first week back to work, and it didn't go as bad as that first day. There were tears on both ends, but we seem to be doing just fine. I have to admit I was completely exhausted and went to bed by 8pm on that first day back! The nanny came to work with me so Amelia was nearby at all times. This made things incredibly easier for the both of us! I could feed her whenever Amelia wanted to eat, and I visited her throughout the day. Did I mention that Amelia won't take a bottle? Nope, doesn't like it. I didn't want to leave her all day when I knew she wouldn't eat so this was a great solution. She still wasn't happy about me leaving but, at least, I knew she was okay and was able to hold her almost anytime I wanted. 

My second week back has been even better.. probably because I haven't left her with the nanny at all yet. Amelia came with me to the MLK Marade on Monday and even went to the office with me today. She is such a wonderful baby! Going into the office with me was awesome. She played on a blanket on the floor and slept in her carseat/stroller. She hardly cried at all. She was a little talkative so hopefully didn't disturb anyone too much. 

Being able to take a fairly lengthy maternity leave and ease myself back into work has been incredibly awesome! I love my job even more now that I am a mom. While it can be hard to balance my work with my baby, I feel an even stronger connection to the work I do. 

Amelia sleeping with her daddy. 

Oh Precious Sleep

Amelia turned 12 weeks yesterday! She is almost 3 months old, and I hear things begin to get easier at 3 months (let's hope!). Truthfully, though, I am really thankful for how happy she is most of the time. She sleeps and eats pretty well. It is just when I hear stories from extremely lucky moms that their little one's are sleeping 9+ hours a night that I feel bad or think she isn't doing what is right. I try not to compare her to other babies cause what is normal? Honestly, I have been feeling really great (meaning not a sleep-deprived zombie as I once was). Amelia has started to get into a good rhythm. She sleeps soundly at night, only waking one or two times. She has also recently been "sleeping in" until 6 and sometimes almost 8! This is much better than her 5am wakings. Lately, I have been kinda liking her night-time feedings. She is super calm and eats with ease during these times. She goes right back to sleep after getting her fill. It is such an intimate, precious time that we spend together that I know will soon pass. I'm half asleep when I feed her at night but am not thinking about all the things I need to do once the feeding is done. As long as she keep as one or two nightly feedings rather than feeding every hour, I feel golden.

While I do feel lucky to have such a wonderful baby (I mean she is the cutest, most adorable creature!), I will do anything to get her to sleep. When she is super tired she is super cranky which makes me in turn super cranky. Her cries make me want to cry or scream on the top of my lungs as well. In a typical day, I usually walk up and down the stairs for a couple of hours lulling her to sleep (at least I get my work-out in!). Tightly wrapped up in the moby, this is about the only way she will fall (and stay which is the most important) asleep. She will also fall asleep in the car or stroller (and yes, I resort to these too but not as much since it's been so cold). Once she is finally asleep, I rarely can sit down or stand still. Oh precious sleep. Maybe one day, you'll lie down and welcome sleep.

I sometimes worry that I am never going to be able to get Amelia to sleep on her own. She is quite attached to me which I think is really good at this age. In fact, I love it that she can pick out my face and loves me to hold her. Recently, she has become much more cuddly. She snuggles her head into my chest which is oh so cute. But it would be nice to maybe take a nap myself once in a while or simply have my body free again. Just once in a while. Strangely enough, we co-sleep at night but Amelia won't let me lie down with her during the day. Only she gets precious sleep then. I do worry about how she will sleep when I go back to work. Will someone else be able to get her to sleep? I've decided our nanny will just have to figure out a way that works for her, just as I had to figure out what works for me. For now, sleeping in the moby is what is working. She goes to sleep relatively easy (again  not so sure what is easy but do know it is a hell of a lot easier than trying to get her to sleep in the crib or anywhere else on her own).

I know I used to be a much harsher judge on parents when I nannied and worked in child care. Now that I am a parent, I know that you just gotta do what brings you mental sanity. If that means driving for an hour to get your baby to sleep than that's what you gotta do. Amelia sleeps her best when lying next to me or being carried. It brings me much happiness knowing she is sleeping peacefully. It is also really nice to be able to hear her breathe and look at her precious face every second.

Oh, sleep is so precious. And once that sleep has arrived, I want to make sure we don't have to do the dance all over again for a while.

Here are some pictures of her sleeping at 10 and 12 weeks (sorry have not figured out how to rotate pictures).

Vegan without Soy

So, Amelia and I saw her doctor again today. I have taken her a couple times as she projectile vomits on occasion. It is horrible when she does vomit.. it usually goes across the room and makes a complete mess. I mean, get out the mop kinda mess. I called several times about this (as she has done it since she has been 1 or 2 weeks old) but no-one would take me seriously. They kept telling me, well all babies spit up on occasion and it is probably more than you think. No, this is a lot! Finally, I got a doctor to listen to me. She thinks Amelia might have a sensitivity to milk and soy. Since, I already don't eat milk, I just have to eliminate soy. I took her back to the doctor today because she has still been throwing up even though I have eliminated soy. It may take a while for the soy to get out of her system so the doctor isn't too worried. She thinks Amelia might also have some reflux issues. So, she is now taking some antacids. Poor thing! Not even 3 months old and is already on medicine. I hope it all makes her feel better though.

Eliminating soy from my diet is a little difficult but I think I can do it. I can easily substitute almond milk for soy milk. I've been eating a lot of beans now that I can't have tofu or tempeh. I just can't believe how many things have soy in it though. Chocolate chips, for instance, have soy in them! I've also been making sure to eat a lot more greens as they have a lot of calcium in them. I just hope she doesn't become of intolerant of more things as it would be difficult to eliminate more things from my diet.

Well, I can't believe it is already mid-December. We got our Christmas tree yesterday! I just need to decorate it now. I think Amelia will love the lights!!! She loves looking at things around her, especially ceiling lights. I'm super excited about her first Christmas. It is going to be too easy to spoil her with lots of presents. :)

It has been really hard to blog as Amelia usually only catnaps throughout the day. She has been asleep for nearly 2 hours now! I don't want to wake her as it takes so long to get her to sleep. Plus, she hasn't taken any other good naps all day. But, I probably should wake her soon as she is supposed to eat every 3 hours. I've also been worried about her weight gain, which has been slower than it should so it is really important she gets fed often. The weight gain (or lack of weight gain) might be from her reflux issues and/or the soy intolerance. I'm trying to get it figured out! It sure is hard as I don't know what is or is not normal for such little ones.

Here are a few recent pictures (as you can see she loves to put her hands in her mouth!):

They Grow So Fast!

Yes, it is something that every parent  has told me. "They grow so fast! Enjoy them while they are little!" Every day Amelia seems to change and get bigger. She had her two month appointment this week and weighed 9.7 lbs. She is only in the 20th percentile but still seems so big! We saw a newborn at a restaurant this past week, and I cannot believe how much Amelia has changed. Amelia looked like a big kid compared to the little newborn.

While part of me wants her to stay little forever, I am also looking forward to the day when I can sleep longer hours and possibly do more things for myself (like cook dinner!). I'm also excited to see what kind of person she is going to be. It is going to be amazing to watch her take her first steps and speak her first words.

Amelia seems to be more comfortable with the world around her and is extremely interested in looking at everything. She has a look of amazement on her face at almost all times. She loves staring at the sky and things on the ceiling. I can't imagine what is going through her little brain seeing the world for the first time. As she has become a little more comfortable with her surroundings, she has been letting others hold her and smiles almost all the time  now. She even wants to be put down now to explore the floor and move her body. It has been such a relief to be able to set her down for a few minutes. I can finally take a shower! :)

Amelia and I have been getting a lot more active. We went to our first mommy and me yoga class last week and are planning on going again today! The class was lots of fun. Amelia behaved super well, and it was great to be able to do yoga again. I feel completely out of shape. We have also gone out to eat several times, and Amelia slept through almost all of the meals. My friend Katie visited this past weekend, and Amelia took her first trip to the mountains! We drove to Idaho Springs and stopped at Red Rocks. It has been really nice to leave the house every once in a while. Staying at home all day with her can be really lonely and make me feel crazy. It is exhausting going out but is essential for my mental health.

Amelia looking at the ceiling (6 weeks old)

Amelia's First Trip to Sweet Action Ice Cream! 

Smiling Baby! 

First Month with Amelia

Wow! Amelia is 5 weeks today! This past month has gone by so quickly, yet I cannot imagine my life without her. I don't think I have ever felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and, yet, overcome with so much love. My life has completely changed in ways that are indescribable. I love this little girl so much.

This past month almost seems a blur. Amelia and I have spent our time bonding and getting to know each other. The first few weeks, Joshua and I called the doctor's office multiple times as we panicked something was wrong with her. Everything was fine and normal. I've spent my time this past month trying to figure out what makes this little girl happy and memorizing her beautiful face. I think we are finally beginning to figure each other out.

Having a baby is incredibly harder than I ever thought. From the intense hormone and bodily changes I am going through to the ear piercing screaming of Amelia, I have felt as though I have lost my mind several times. Amelia insists on being held ALL the time and by me. Simple things like taking a shower or sitting down to watch an entire tv show have become distant memories and dream vacations. 

Amelia is the sweetest girl despite all the challenges she brings. She has been smiling a lot lately in response to faces or sounds and makes the silliest faces. She provides immense amounts of entertainment. The things Amelia likes right now are being held (while standing up and bouncing), being sung to (especially Wagon Wheel and Baby Beluga), being in the moby wrap, and going for stroller walks. She absolutely hates getting her diaper changed and baths. 

I'm amazed every time I look at her that she is here in our lives. She is the most precious being I have ever seen. She absolutely takes my breath away and brings me to tears at times.

Amelia's First Stroller Ride

Amelia's First Bath

Tummy Time

Baby Kami Has Arrived!

Amelia Josephine 

September 18, 2011

2:34am 

7lbs 11oz 

20 inches 

Amelia is already 13 days old today! I am the happiest momma in the world! Amelia is the sweetest, most precious little girl. I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

I fell in love with Amelia the instant I saw her. Seeing her for the first time is something I will never forget. Her full head of dark hair and chubby cheeks completely took my breath away. Seeing her was magical and beautiful. I was shocked to think this little person just came out of me and was amazed that I was actually carrying a baby this whole time. I was in such joy that I had just given birth to the most beautiful being in the world! She manages to take my breath away every time I look at her.

Giving birth to Amelia is almost indescribable. My emotions were (and continue to be) at such extremes. My body never felt such intense pains before. And I don't think I have ever felt such instant love. I am going to try to recall the labor and birth in the best way I can. If I ever do this again, it would be good to recall what it was like and what was helpful. This is going to be incredibly long so be forewarned.

I woke up on Saturday morning, the 17th, around 7am feeling different. Something inside me told me to go back to sleep cause I would need the rest. So, that's what I did. I slept til about 9am which I never do anymore. When I did awake, I felt crampy almost as though I had menstrual cramps. I had had these crampy feelings before but for some reason had a feeling that today is going to be the day. I didn't want to get too excited though so just tried to go about my regular routine. Joshua wanted to get some errands done so I went along with him to the bank, car wash, and a few other places. During these errands, I noticed the cramps were starting to have a start and end to them whereas before they had always just felt constant. Joshua was going to try to time them but they were very irregular and not too noticeable. I decided I also didn't want to be watching the clock. If they turned into something real I would know it.

By the time we arrived home, maybe around 1pm, I was certain that what I was feeling were contractions. They still felt like menstrual cramps, just the most intense cramps I have ever had. They would take my breath away but I was still able to continue doing whatever I was doing. At some point, I decided to time the contractions. I took the laptop upstairs to the bedroom and timed the contractions using an online tool. They seemed to be around 7 minutes apart and lasted from 30 seconds to a minute each. They were bearable at this point. I found breathing through them, squatting, and leaning over the exercise ball helpful. As my mom was visiting, I didn't want to get her excited that something might be happening so Joshua and I gave her lots of tasks to do. She mowed the lawn, cut down a weed the size of a tree, and went grocery shopping for us. We gave her a list of a bunch of more small tasks to keep her busy and help us out if we needed to jet for the hospital at any minute. It is kinda funny in retrospect. I was having contractions, and Joshua was thinking about running to get a chain saw for my mom to do more yard work.

Around 4pm (not sure exactly when as time completely slipped my mind during all of this), Joshua and I decided to go for a walk. I read that this can help speed things up. I still was not in belief that this was the real thing but thought if it were a walk would tell. And the walk sure did tell! Joshua was timing my contractions on the walk, and I was having them regularly at 5 minutes apart. I would stop during a contraction and either squat or lean on Joshua. They were painful but I could breathe through them. We walked a little through City Park, and I knew I looked ridiculous but didn't care. The walk was really nice. It was Joshua and I's last time as just the two of us. We talked about what we wanted during the labor and about our excitement for our new addition.

While walking home, we got caught in a horrible rainstorm! It seemed to be lightning right above us and it was absolutely pouring. We were completely soaked despite the umbrella by the time we got home. My contractions were getting more intense at this time as well, and I had to stop when a wave came. Running home was not a possibility.

Once back home, I was freezing from the rain and feeling much more uncomfortable. I decided to take a hot bath which was relaxing. Joshua noticed that my contractions seemed to be pretty close and at some point said I think it is time to go to the hospital. When he said this was when I realized that this is really happening. My contractions were suddenly 3-4 minutes apart. Joshua starting frantically packing the rest of our hospital bag and I called the doctor's office to let them know I was planning on going to the hospital. I was not too worried about getting to the hospital late as we live only a few blocks away. It was also part of my plan to stay home as long as possible. I knew getting hooked up to monitors would be uncomfortable and preferred to stay somewhere comfortable.

So, we ended up somewhat rushing out of the house to the hospital. When we arrived, Joshua locked his car keys in the car! My keys were with my mom. I thought it was rather silly and told him it would be fine. For now, let's just get checked in. My mom ended up bringing my keys so Joshua could get back in the car. Checking in to the hospital was challenging, as I had to keep pausing for contractions. As the triage nurse was checking me, the registration person said something about "if" I get admitted, and the triage nurse interrupted to say "Oh, she is getting admitted." During these early contractions, I found it comfortable to sit on the exercise ball. The triage nurse was really nice and checked me pretty quickly so I could get upstairs. I was 6 centimeters dilated at this point which I can honestly say didn't mean anything to me. I didn't want to get caught up in how far along I was cause I knew that at any point it could either slow down or speed up. I tried to be in the mindset that things will progress as they need to.

Now, this is when things start to get blurry and really intense. Once in the labor/delivery room, my contractions began to feel unbearable. There was no exercise ball in the room as there was supposed to be, and I could not find a position that was comfortable. Trying to get into a different position was extremely painful as well. So, while I couldn't stand being where I was wherever that was, it seemed more painful to move. I did go into the jetted tub (which was huge!) and found that somewhat comforting. My breath continued to be my savor during the whole process. I also enjoyed the music Joshua played on the ipod. This seemed to help me take my mind off what was going on. I think I might have chewed on a gallon of ice chips as well. And poor Joshua must have felt as though he were getting beat up as I leaned on him during most of my contractions. Having him in the room was unbelievably amazing. Our doula, Joy, was at the hospital soon after we got there as well and was extremely comforting. I was remarkably able to block everything/everyone out for the most part. My fear that I would be concerned about people staring at me was not there at all during the process. I didn't care what I looked or sounded like. All my inhibitions were let down. I felt as though I were in some dark tunnel trying to crawl my way out. I could hear that there were people on the other end but didn't see them. I would just feel for Joshua and be comforted that I was not completely lost.

At one second labor seemed to be progressing at lightning speed but most of the time I wondered how long I could endure the pain. The contractions came so close together that there didn't feel as though there were any breaks. I remember Joy telling me to take advantage of the breaks and to catch my breath, but the pain never seemed to completely subside. During the brief seconds where the pain was less intense, I feared the next contraction. Trying to breathe through the contractions was intensely hard, as I wanted to scream out loud and cry instead. I remember at one point asking for help. I wanted someone to rescue me from the most intense pain I had ever felt. I felt scared and beaten down.

Some of the worst moments during labor was when my water broke. This felt as though a flood were being sprayed out of me. And it continued with every contraction afterwards. There was meconium in my water, which basically meant Amelia had pooed while still inside. The nurse looked really worried and said that there would have to be extra people in the room during delivery and that if Amelia was not crying when she came out that they would have to take her. Then forward I was extremely worried that there was going to be something wrong with Amelia.

Other bad (but not as bad as the water breaking moment) was having the IV put in my hand. My contractions were extremely painful but somehow the IV was even worse at the moment. The nurse took forever to get the IV in my hand and seemed to be getting frustrated with putting it in. Having to lay on my back to endure monitoring the baby was also excruciating. And there was a squeaky stool in the room that was very annoying. I was proud of myself that I was willing and able to let others know what I didn't like and what I wanted. I tried not to be rude but also wanted others to know how they could help me as quickly as possible.

Overall, I am really happy with our experience at the hospital. I am grateful we had a birth plan written up, as everyone seemed to abide by it. Joy was also helpful in enforcing the birth plan. One of the nurses didn't seem to agree with what I wanted but she still respected my wishes. I was relieved we didn't have to fight anyone over the plan and was grateful to have the medical staff there when things got scary. Many people led me to believe I was making the wrong choice with having a hospital birth (and especially with having the birth at St Joe's), but I found St. Joe's to be very accommodating and understanding.

At some point I made my way back to the tub, as I could not stand the bed nor the ball that was finally brought to me. In the tub a second time, I remember feeling the baby moving down. The pressure was much lower and getting even worse (which I couldn't believe it was capable of getting worse). Staying with my breathe was getting more challenging. I must have screamed at the top of my lungs a couple of times but try to come back to grunting instead of screaming. The nurse ran into the room around this time and said it sounded as though I were pushing. I asked to be checked as I felt as though I should be pushing. The nurse checked me and didn't even say anything to me. Instead, she paged the doctor and starting frantically preparing the room for delivery. Many people rushed in the room as though the baby were going to come out any second. I suppose she could have come out any second but the pushing took a long time.

So, I began to push. What's funny was I was not sure how to push. The nurse instructed me to push without noise and from my abdomen rather than my chest. Pushing made me use every muscle in my body and each one would completely wipe me out. As there were many people in the room, I felt as though I were getting five different directions at once. Push! Don't exhale! Take a breath, you're turning blue! Keep pushing! I knew I had to do what felt right to me. I pushed myself to the ultimate extreme but would take a breathe when I needed to. I was mad at the nurse for saying something like, the baby is going back inside. She said it in a way that made me feel like a failure. I remember thinking this baby is going to come out, just be patient lady. At first, the pain scared me, and I had a hard time pushing into it. By the end, I knew I had to push into the pain. Amelia's head seemed to be crowning for a long time and this seemed to worry the doctors. The doctors would whisper to each other and have a look of concern on their faces. I was getting really worried at this point about my baby, which I think motivated me to push harder. After a long time of pushing, the doctor looked at me and said in a defiant voice, "This is going to be your last push." And I believed her for some reason. I pushed harder than before and took a short breathe before pushing again. I told myself I could do this, and I did. Thinking about seeing my baby was the best motivation.

And amazingly, Amelia was being handed to me. I cried instantly. I was amazed by how big she was and that I just gave birth to her. I couldn't believe that I did it. She was not crying and was extremely purple so her cord caught cut right away. I was so worried something was wrong, but she started crying soon after the nurses swept her away.

During the delivery, I lost a ton of blood. I literally sprayed the doctors with blood, which really scared me. Once Amelia was born, I was shocked by how painful the delivery of the placenta was. I thought the pain would be over but it only continued. The doctors pushed hard on my belly to help with the bleeding. I was given pitocin to help the uterus contract or stop contracting (not sure what was happening at this moment). I felt so weak but finally had my baby in my arms. Amelia fed right away and ate for an hour!

Before going to the recovery room, the nurse said I had to use the bathroom. I felt as though I couldn't even move. My whole body felt numb. As I was walking to the bathroom, I felt extremely dizzy. The nurse told me to put my head between my knees once I sat on the toilet and then left me there! I thought I was dying. The nurse seemed to threaten me that if I didn't go pee, they would have to put a catheter in me, which she said would be painful. I was scared how painful it could be, being that I just went through the most painful thing in my life. I feared it would be more painful than that, even though I didn't know how. So, I sat on the toilet even though I couldn't go. My head felt too heavy to hold up so I asked for Joshua. I leaned on him and told him I was going to pass out. And that's what I did. I woke up from what felt like a faraway dream and was confused by where I was. There was this awful smell and the nurse was holding me. They got me back to my bed somehow, and I was given an oxygen mask. I was later given the catheter, which I have to say was not bad at all. My body already felt numb so I barely felt anything. It was much better than feeling like death on a toilet seat.

Recovering my Amelia's delivery has been much harder than I ever thought. Whenever I complained about pregnancy aches, people would tell me the only relief would be having the baby. Giving birth to Amelia has brought a whole new set of aches and pains though. For days I felt as though I could barely walk. My entire body aches from the labor, and I have been completely exhausted. I have anemia from all the blood lost and was told recovering from the birth will take 3-6 months. I love my  little Amelia and believe it was all worth it. I've just been taking back by how painful the whole process has been and continues to be.

So, that's Amelia's birth story. I delivered her without any drugs which was completely amazing. I never even asked nor was offered drugs. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life but have a feeling Amelia will bring a lot more challenges along the way. I feel strangely ready for whatever life has in store though. I love her so much it hurts, and I am going to be the best mom I can be for her.