Amelia Josephine
September 18, 2011
2:34am
7lbs 11oz
20 inches
Amelia is already 13 days old today! I am the happiest momma in the world! Amelia is the sweetest, most precious little girl. I feel so lucky to have her in my life.
I fell in love with Amelia the instant I saw her. Seeing her for the first time is something I will never forget. Her full head of dark hair and chubby cheeks completely took my breath away. Seeing her was magical and beautiful. I was shocked to think this little person just came out of me and was amazed that I was actually carrying a baby this whole time. I was in such joy that I had just given birth to the most beautiful being in the world! She manages to take my breath away every time I look at her.
Giving birth to Amelia is almost indescribable. My emotions were (and continue to be) at such extremes. My body never felt such intense pains before. And I don't think I have ever felt such instant love. I am going to try to recall the labor and birth in the best way I can. If I ever do this again, it would be good to recall what it was like and what was helpful. This is going to be incredibly long so be forewarned.
I woke up on Saturday morning, the 17th, around 7am feeling different. Something inside me told me to go back to sleep cause I would need the rest. So, that's what I did. I slept til about 9am which I never do anymore. When I did awake, I felt crampy almost as though I had menstrual cramps. I had had these crampy feelings before but for some reason had a feeling that today is going to be the day. I didn't want to get too excited though so just tried to go about my regular routine. Joshua wanted to get some errands done so I went along with him to the bank, car wash, and a few other places. During these errands, I noticed the cramps were starting to have a start and end to them whereas before they had always just felt constant. Joshua was going to try to time them but they were very irregular and not too noticeable. I decided I also didn't want to be watching the clock. If they turned into something real I would know it.
By the time we arrived home, maybe around 1pm, I was certain that what I was feeling were contractions. They still felt like menstrual cramps, just the most intense cramps I have ever had. They would take my breath away but I was still able to continue doing whatever I was doing. At some point, I decided to time the contractions. I took the laptop upstairs to the bedroom and timed the contractions using an online tool. They seemed to be around 7 minutes apart and lasted from 30 seconds to a minute each. They were bearable at this point. I found breathing through them, squatting, and leaning over the exercise ball helpful. As my mom was visiting, I didn't want to get her excited that something might be happening so Joshua and I gave her lots of tasks to do. She mowed the lawn, cut down a weed the size of a tree, and went grocery shopping for us. We gave her a list of a bunch of more small tasks to keep her busy and help us out if we needed to jet for the hospital at any minute. It is kinda funny in retrospect. I was having contractions, and Joshua was thinking about running to get a chain saw for my mom to do more yard work.
Around 4pm (not sure exactly when as time completely slipped my mind during all of this), Joshua and I decided to go for a walk. I read that this can help speed things up. I still was not in belief that this was the real thing but thought if it were a walk would tell. And the walk sure did tell! Joshua was timing my contractions on the walk, and I was having them regularly at 5 minutes apart. I would stop during a contraction and either squat or lean on Joshua. They were painful but I could breathe through them. We walked a little through City Park, and I knew I looked ridiculous but didn't care. The walk was really nice. It was Joshua and I's last time as just the two of us. We talked about what we wanted during the labor and about our excitement for our new addition.
While walking home, we got caught in a horrible rainstorm! It seemed to be lightning right above us and it was absolutely pouring. We were completely soaked despite the umbrella by the time we got home. My contractions were getting more intense at this time as well, and I had to stop when a wave came. Running home was not a possibility.
Once back home, I was freezing from the rain and feeling much more uncomfortable. I decided to take a hot bath which was relaxing. Joshua noticed that my contractions seemed to be pretty close and at some point said I think it is time to go to the hospital. When he said this was when I realized that this is really happening. My contractions were suddenly 3-4 minutes apart. Joshua starting frantically packing the rest of our hospital bag and I called the doctor's office to let them know I was planning on going to the hospital. I was not too worried about getting to the hospital late as we live only a few blocks away. It was also part of my plan to stay home as long as possible. I knew getting hooked up to monitors would be uncomfortable and preferred to stay somewhere comfortable.
So, we ended up somewhat rushing out of the house to the hospital. When we arrived, Joshua locked his car keys in the car! My keys were with my mom. I thought it was rather silly and told him it would be fine. For now, let's just get checked in. My mom ended up bringing my keys so Joshua could get back in the car. Checking in to the hospital was challenging, as I had to keep pausing for contractions. As the triage nurse was checking me, the registration person said something about "if" I get admitted, and the triage nurse interrupted to say "Oh, she is getting admitted." During these early contractions, I found it comfortable to sit on the exercise ball. The triage nurse was really nice and checked me pretty quickly so I could get upstairs. I was 6 centimeters dilated at this point which I can honestly say didn't mean anything to me. I didn't want to get caught up in how far along I was cause I knew that at any point it could either slow down or speed up. I tried to be in the mindset that things will progress as they need to.
Now, this is when things start to get blurry and really intense. Once in the labor/delivery room, my contractions began to feel unbearable. There was no exercise ball in the room as there was supposed to be, and I could not find a position that was comfortable. Trying to get into a different position was extremely painful as well. So, while I couldn't stand being where I was wherever that was, it seemed more painful to move. I did go into the jetted tub (which was huge!) and found that somewhat comforting. My breath continued to be my savor during the whole process. I also enjoyed the music Joshua played on the ipod. This seemed to help me take my mind off what was going on. I think I might have chewed on a gallon of ice chips as well. And poor Joshua must have felt as though he were getting beat up as I leaned on him during most of my contractions. Having him in the room was unbelievably amazing. Our doula, Joy, was at the hospital soon after we got there as well and was extremely comforting. I was remarkably able to block everything/everyone out for the most part. My fear that I would be concerned about people staring at me was not there at all during the process. I didn't care what I looked or sounded like. All my inhibitions were let down. I felt as though I were in some dark tunnel trying to crawl my way out. I could hear that there were people on the other end but didn't see them. I would just feel for Joshua and be comforted that I was not completely lost.
At one second labor seemed to be progressing at lightning speed but most of the time I wondered how long I could endure the pain. The contractions came so close together that there didn't feel as though there were any breaks. I remember Joy telling me to take advantage of the breaks and to catch my breath, but the pain never seemed to completely subside. During the brief seconds where the pain was less intense, I feared the next contraction. Trying to breathe through the contractions was intensely hard, as I wanted to scream out loud and cry instead. I remember at one point asking for help. I wanted someone to rescue me from the most intense pain I had ever felt. I felt scared and beaten down.
Some of the worst moments during labor was when my water broke. This felt as though a flood were being sprayed out of me. And it continued with every contraction afterwards. There was meconium in my water, which basically meant Amelia had pooed while still inside. The nurse looked really worried and said that there would have to be extra people in the room during delivery and that if Amelia was not crying when she came out that they would have to take her. Then forward I was extremely worried that there was going to be something wrong with Amelia.
Other bad (but not as bad as the water breaking moment) was having the IV put in my hand. My contractions were extremely painful but somehow the IV was even worse at the moment. The nurse took forever to get the IV in my hand and seemed to be getting frustrated with putting it in. Having to lay on my back to endure monitoring the baby was also excruciating. And there was a squeaky stool in the room that was very annoying. I was proud of myself that I was willing and able to let others know what I didn't like and what I wanted. I tried not to be rude but also wanted others to know how they could help me as quickly as possible.
Overall, I am really happy with our experience at the hospital. I am grateful we had a birth plan written up, as everyone seemed to abide by it. Joy was also helpful in enforcing the birth plan. One of the nurses didn't seem to agree with what I wanted but she still respected my wishes. I was relieved we didn't have to fight anyone over the plan and was grateful to have the medical staff there when things got scary. Many people led me to believe I was making the wrong choice with having a hospital birth (and especially with having the birth at St Joe's), but I found St. Joe's to be very accommodating and understanding.
At some point I made my way back to the tub, as I could not stand the bed nor the ball that was finally brought to me. In the tub a second time, I remember feeling the baby moving down. The pressure was much lower and getting even worse (which I couldn't believe it was capable of getting worse). Staying with my breathe was getting more challenging. I must have screamed at the top of my lungs a couple of times but try to come back to grunting instead of screaming. The nurse ran into the room around this time and said it sounded as though I were pushing. I asked to be checked as I felt as though I should be pushing. The nurse checked me and didn't even say anything to me. Instead, she paged the doctor and starting frantically preparing the room for delivery. Many people rushed in the room as though the baby were going to come out any second. I suppose she could have come out any second but the pushing took a long time.
So, I began to push. What's funny was I was not sure how to push. The nurse instructed me to push without noise and from my abdomen rather than my chest. Pushing made me use every muscle in my body and each one would completely wipe me out. As there were many people in the room, I felt as though I were getting five different directions at once. Push! Don't exhale! Take a breath, you're turning blue! Keep pushing! I knew I had to do what felt right to me. I pushed myself to the ultimate extreme but would take a breathe when I needed to. I was mad at the nurse for saying something like, the baby is going back inside. She said it in a way that made me feel like a failure. I remember thinking this baby is going to come out, just be patient lady. At first, the pain scared me, and I had a hard time pushing into it. By the end, I knew I had to push into the pain. Amelia's head seemed to be crowning for a long time and this seemed to worry the doctors. The doctors would whisper to each other and have a look of concern on their faces. I was getting really worried at this point about my baby, which I think motivated me to push harder. After a long time of pushing, the doctor looked at me and said in a defiant voice, "This is going to be your last push." And I believed her for some reason. I pushed harder than before and took a short breathe before pushing again. I told myself I could do this, and I did. Thinking about seeing my baby was the best motivation.
And amazingly, Amelia was being handed to me. I cried instantly. I was amazed by how big she was and that I just gave birth to her. I couldn't believe that I did it. She was not crying and was extremely purple so her cord caught cut right away. I was so worried something was wrong, but she started crying soon after the nurses swept her away.
During the delivery, I lost a ton of blood. I literally sprayed the doctors with blood, which really scared me. Once Amelia was born, I was shocked by how painful the delivery of the placenta was. I thought the pain would be over but it only continued. The doctors pushed hard on my belly to help with the bleeding. I was given pitocin to help the uterus contract or stop contracting (not sure what was happening at this moment). I felt so weak but finally had my baby in my arms. Amelia fed right away and ate for an hour!
Before going to the recovery room, the nurse said I had to use the bathroom. I felt as though I couldn't even move. My whole body felt numb. As I was walking to the bathroom, I felt extremely dizzy. The nurse told me to put my head between my knees once I sat on the toilet and then left me there! I thought I was dying. The nurse seemed to threaten me that if I didn't go pee, they would have to put a catheter in me, which she said would be painful. I was scared how painful it could be, being that I just went through the most painful thing in my life. I feared it would be more painful than that, even though I didn't know how. So, I sat on the toilet even though I couldn't go. My head felt too heavy to hold up so I asked for Joshua. I leaned on him and told him I was going to pass out. And that's what I did. I woke up from what felt like a faraway dream and was confused by where I was. There was this awful smell and the nurse was holding me. They got me back to my bed somehow, and I was given an oxygen mask. I was later given the catheter, which I have to say was not bad at all. My body already felt numb so I barely felt anything. It was much better than feeling like death on a toilet seat.
Recovering my Amelia's delivery has been much harder than I ever thought. Whenever I complained about pregnancy aches, people would tell me the only relief would be having the baby. Giving birth to Amelia has brought a whole new set of aches and pains though. For days I felt as though I could barely walk. My entire body aches from the labor, and I have been completely exhausted. I have anemia from all the blood lost and was told recovering from the birth will take 3-6 months. I love my little Amelia and believe it was all worth it. I've just been taking back by how painful the whole process has been and continues to be.
So, that's Amelia's birth story. I delivered her without any drugs which was completely amazing. I never even asked nor was offered drugs. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life but have a feeling Amelia will bring a lot more challenges along the way. I feel strangely ready for whatever life has in store though. I love her so much it hurts, and I am going to be the best mom I can be for her.
