My life has changed in a million more ways than I ever thought possible since having Amelia, yet I am amazed that I still remain me. There were moments in the past 6 months, though, that I feared I was never going to feel like "me" again. It has certainly been an evolving process of becoming a mom. Or, I should say, it is has been a constant struggle trying to keep my identity without being a mom take over my whole self. I cannot ever shut off the mom button: I cannot ignore Amelia's cries; I have to plan my day around her eating and sleeping schedule; I must take care of her laundry so she has clean diapers and clothes; I cannot stop worrying if she is sick; I cannot stop loving her. So with all of these responsibilities how do I not become solely Amelia's mom? I don't know if I have it quite figured out but I make sure to do little things every day to remain sane, like shower, go for a walk, and take a deep breath. Such simple things that were once taken for granted have now become pieces of ecstasy.
Becoming a working mom, I think, has really helped my sanity and making sure I remain myself. Staying at home with Amelia all day every day was rather isolating and simply put the hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love every moment spent with Amelia, but it is just so hard some days. Looking back, I think it was especially difficult for me as I don't have family nearby, I didn't have a car (or very rarely had a car) to go somewhere or anywhere, and I don't have a lot of mom friends. Let's face it, those who don't have kids aren't stopping by all the time.
Despite the challenges of staying home with Amelia, going back to work was excruciatingly difficult. My heart aches when I leave her, and I feel like the worst mom in the world. Some days, I feel mad (at the world, at me..) for having to leave her to work. I absolutely hate having to leave her in the arms of someone else while I am gone. I fear I am missing out on so many things that will quickly pass and worry she loves me a little less for leaving her. Nothing in life is easy any more. I don't think I can emotionally (or financially) stay at home with Amelia all day by myself. So, instead, I go to work and try to ignore the bellyache it causes.
As spring is here (and many days feel like summer), her first year feels like it is coming to a complete circle. I am very much looking forward to these last two seasons, spring and summer, of her first year. Soon she'll be walking, eating, and talking! While I have so much to look forward to, I don't want to lose the moments I am experiencing now. I always strive to live in the moment and wish to do just that with Amelia.
