First Camping Trip

Amelia had her first camping trip and festival at the beginning of June. It was a HUGE success! I have to admit I was a bit nervous as the trip was planned about 6 hours away from home in Pagosa Springs, CO and for 3 nights. We decided to jump all in and just hoped for the best.

The ride was a little long getting there but we just stopped when Amelia was upset and then would continue on our way. She sleeps great in the car which is really awesome. The biggest downfall of the weekend was that it was freezing at night. I didn't sleep well as I feared Amelia was too cold. I packed a lot of clothes for Amelia and she seemed fine. In thinking about what I needed to bring for Amelia, I completely forgot about my own needs as per usual. I did not bring nearly enough warm clothes for myself. Must make a mental note to myself that camping in the mountains is cold at night and hot during the day.

Once we arrived at the festival grounds, I knew that trying to prevent Amelia from eating whatever was on the ground was going to be my biggest task of the weekend. She loved exploring all the sticks and dirt but ended up throwing up from swallowing a small stick. I was thankful it came out but I learned my lesson quick. She had to be monitored extremely closely every single second. She spent a lot of time in the carrier and also found out that she loved playing on a tarp laid out on the ground. Crawling on the tarp would make a crinkly sound that she enjoyed, so much that she would not crawl off the tarp. She also loved being in the tent! She would giggle and smile exploring her new space. We had so much fun over the weekend!

A really awesome aspect of this festival is that it is close to the hot springs! We got a week pass to the hot springs so could go whenever we wanted. Amelia has recently started swim lessons and loves being in the water. It was a great relief being in the water from trying to keep her from swallowing more sticks. When in the water, she can't crawl away!

I am really looking forward to future camping trips with our family. We had such an amazing weekend relaxing outside, listening to great bluegrass music, and soaking in the hot springs!

Flying with Baby

Amelia successfully took her first airplane ride! I can't believe I am going to say this, but it was easy! She was smiles the whole time and security wasn't even a big deal. She slept over an hour on the first flight and enjoyed looking at all the people near her. I even had one guy ask me "what was my secret" in having such a happy easy baby.

Amelia's first plane ride was to Illinois for Easter weekend. We had a wonderful weekend visiting family. Amelia's great-grandma (my grandma) drove to my parent's house to visit her. My grandma loves seeing Amelia, and I love listening to my grandma tell stories about raising her children. It is amazing that my grandma can recall the times her children were born and their exact weights.

I have a lot of fun taking Amelia places. I feel as though the whole world around me is smiling as everyone smiles right back at Amelia's beautiful face. The world is such a beautiful place with Amelia in it. 

While home in Illinois, I realized that I feel like I am getting this mom thing down a bit. I feel a lot more relaxed and at ease with what to expect. I am very pleased that my personality still shines through being a mom. In fact, I have found that my style with everything in life is easily conveyed in how I parent. For instance, I am very anti-schedule with Amelia and came to the realization this weekend that a lack of a schedule eliminates a lot of stress for me. I like to believe that I am very flexible and down-to-earth person in everyday life so it only makes sense that I wouldn't impose a schedule on my baby. Rather than sticking to a time when we need to nap or feed, I listen to Amelia to let me know what she needs. I don't understand why so many people advocate for a schedule for babies when their needs seem to change day by day. Sticking to a schedule seems to me that it would only create stress rather than eliminate or prevent it. Of course Amelia's day thus looks different day by day, but I am okay with that. If she is home sleeping, I don't leave until she wakes up. If I am somewhere in public and Amelia happens to get hungry, I feed her wherever I am. Some days Amelia fights sleep, but I don't force her to sleep. Trying to make her sleep is next to impossible. So this is my little piece of advice for new parents (and a reminder to myself if I ever do this journey again), go with the flow. Listen to your baby, and she will tell you what she needs.

Happy 1/2 Birthday Amelia

Wow! My baby is 6 months old. It is hard to believe that an entire half of a year has gone by! I remember when I would count how old she was by the days and then by the weeks. The first 30 days felt as though a year passed within each one. Now, the days are lighter and have become too many to keep track.

My life has changed in a million more ways than I ever thought possible since having Amelia, yet I am amazed that I still remain me. There were moments in the past 6 months, though, that I feared I was never going to feel like "me" again. It has certainly been an evolving process of becoming a mom. Or, I should say, it is has been a constant struggle trying to keep my identity without being a mom take over my whole self. I cannot ever shut off the mom button: I cannot ignore Amelia's cries; I have to plan my day around her eating and sleeping schedule; I must take care of her laundry so she has clean diapers and clothes; I cannot stop worrying if she is sick; I cannot stop loving her. So with all of these responsibilities how do I not become solely Amelia's mom? I don't know if I have it quite figured out but I make sure to do little things every day to remain sane, like shower, go for a walk, and take a deep breath. Such simple things that were once taken for granted have now become pieces of ecstasy.

Becoming a working mom, I think, has really helped my sanity and making sure I remain myself. Staying at home with Amelia all day every day was rather isolating and simply put the hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love every moment spent with Amelia, but it is just so hard some days. Looking back, I think it was especially difficult for me as I don't have family nearby, I didn't have a car (or very rarely had a car) to go somewhere or anywhere, and I don't have a lot of mom friends. Let's face it, those who don't have kids aren't stopping by all the time.

Despite the challenges of staying home with Amelia, going back to work was excruciatingly difficult. My heart aches when I leave her, and I feel like the worst mom in the world. Some days, I feel mad (at the world, at me..) for having to leave her to work. I absolutely hate having to leave her in the arms of someone else while I am gone. I fear I am missing out on so many things that will quickly pass and worry she loves me a little less for leaving her. Nothing in life is easy any more. I don't think I can emotionally (or financially) stay at home with Amelia all day by myself. So, instead, I go to work and try to ignore the bellyache it causes.

As spring is here (and many days feel like summer), her first year feels like it is coming to a complete circle. I am very much looking forward to these last two seasons, spring and summer, of her first year. Soon she'll be walking, eating, and talking! While I have so much to look forward to, I don't want to lose the moments I am experiencing now. I always strive to live in the moment and wish to do just that with Amelia.

Happy 5 Months!

Amelia is 5 months old today! I can't believe it! It was only year ago that I was the sickest I ever remember being and questioned whether or not I would be able to get through the pregnancy without it killing me. I am so happy to be here where I am in life and couldn't imagine my life without this little girl. I know it has been said before, but she truly is my whole world.

Life is beginning to get easier. The first 3 months were really challenging trying to get to know my new baby and having her want to be by side 24 hours a day. Now I feel more confident as a mama. I understand Amelia most of the time and know that we have a great relationship. She's also made it a lot easier by enjoying playing with herself every once in a while.

Everyday, Amelia seems to grow more and more. She can grab things within her each with accuracy and expresses wants. She wants everything within her reach, especially the cats. She can grab her feet and rocks back and forth all the time. In fact, she is super squirmy. She loves spending time on the floor, both on her back and belly. She can roll both ways but hardly every does. She seems somewhat surprised when she does roll over and usually does it on accident or when she is trying to reach a toy out of her reach. Everyone remarks how amazed they are by how alert and strong she is. She has been able to hold her head up for a quite a while and follows people (or cats) as they walk across the room. She is constantly turning her head both ways to soak everything in. She is amazing at tummy time, as she can push herself up on her hands. I think she is going to be walking sooner than we would like, and I believe she will be a very active kid.

I love watching Amelia learn about the world around her. Everything is brand new and amazing to her. She has a look of amazement all the time. She has recently been able to play in her jumperoo and loves it! When I turn the music on it, she smiles at me with glee. Her smiles light up the whole world! Her whole body will smile, and I couldn't be a happier mama.

I get asked a lot how I like being a mama. I absolutely love it! I also do have the most beautiful and smart girl. :) There are so many joys in being mama. For all the challenges that being a mama bring, I have also experienced the most intense happiness and love in my whole life. While Amelia seems to love me more than anything else in her world (she smiles every time I enter the room and reaches for me which all fill up my heart with joy), I know that she will never have the same love for me as I do for her. Loving someone unconditionally and without expecting the same love in return is possibly only what a parent can experience. My heart aches when she cries, and I will do everything in my power to make her happy. I was told it can be hard for some new mamas to feel love at first sight with their babies. I didn't find this true for me at all. Rather, I wasn't prepared for how my love for my little girl would completely consume my baby to a point that my heart hurts as it might explode.

Working Mom

My maternity leave seems to have just flown by. I really enjoyed and greatly appreciated being able to spend so much time with Amelia over these past few months. The next chapter in our lives together has begun with me going back to work. I completely dreaded going back and was a bit depressed about it for a while. I have been afraid of all the moments I am going to miss and have been worried about how Amelia is going to adjust without me. And maybe selfishly, I love spending every moment with her. 

Going back to work was just as hard as expected or maybe even more so. Amelia did not do so well the first day with the nanny. I had the nanny come over for an afternoon the week I went back to work so Amelia and her could get acquainted while I was still home. I left that day to go to a dentist appointment and came home to Amelia screaming and crying tears. It took me a long time to calm her down once she was in my arms. This horrible experience made me question ever leaving her again. 

Last week was my first week back to work, and it didn't go as bad as that first day. There were tears on both ends, but we seem to be doing just fine. I have to admit I was completely exhausted and went to bed by 8pm on that first day back! The nanny came to work with me so Amelia was nearby at all times. This made things incredibly easier for the both of us! I could feed her whenever Amelia wanted to eat, and I visited her throughout the day. Did I mention that Amelia won't take a bottle? Nope, doesn't like it. I didn't want to leave her all day when I knew she wouldn't eat so this was a great solution. She still wasn't happy about me leaving but, at least, I knew she was okay and was able to hold her almost anytime I wanted. 

My second week back has been even better.. probably because I haven't left her with the nanny at all yet. Amelia came with me to the MLK Marade on Monday and even went to the office with me today. She is such a wonderful baby! Going into the office with me was awesome. She played on a blanket on the floor and slept in her carseat/stroller. She hardly cried at all. She was a little talkative so hopefully didn't disturb anyone too much. 

Being able to take a fairly lengthy maternity leave and ease myself back into work has been incredibly awesome! I love my job even more now that I am a mom. While it can be hard to balance my work with my baby, I feel an even stronger connection to the work I do. 

Amelia sleeping with her daddy. 

Oh Precious Sleep

Amelia turned 12 weeks yesterday! She is almost 3 months old, and I hear things begin to get easier at 3 months (let's hope!). Truthfully, though, I am really thankful for how happy she is most of the time. She sleeps and eats pretty well. It is just when I hear stories from extremely lucky moms that their little one's are sleeping 9+ hours a night that I feel bad or think she isn't doing what is right. I try not to compare her to other babies cause what is normal? Honestly, I have been feeling really great (meaning not a sleep-deprived zombie as I once was). Amelia has started to get into a good rhythm. She sleeps soundly at night, only waking one or two times. She has also recently been "sleeping in" until 6 and sometimes almost 8! This is much better than her 5am wakings. Lately, I have been kinda liking her night-time feedings. She is super calm and eats with ease during these times. She goes right back to sleep after getting her fill. It is such an intimate, precious time that we spend together that I know will soon pass. I'm half asleep when I feed her at night but am not thinking about all the things I need to do once the feeding is done. As long as she keep as one or two nightly feedings rather than feeding every hour, I feel golden.

While I do feel lucky to have such a wonderful baby (I mean she is the cutest, most adorable creature!), I will do anything to get her to sleep. When she is super tired she is super cranky which makes me in turn super cranky. Her cries make me want to cry or scream on the top of my lungs as well. In a typical day, I usually walk up and down the stairs for a couple of hours lulling her to sleep (at least I get my work-out in!). Tightly wrapped up in the moby, this is about the only way she will fall (and stay which is the most important) asleep. She will also fall asleep in the car or stroller (and yes, I resort to these too but not as much since it's been so cold). Once she is finally asleep, I rarely can sit down or stand still. Oh precious sleep. Maybe one day, you'll lie down and welcome sleep.

I sometimes worry that I am never going to be able to get Amelia to sleep on her own. She is quite attached to me which I think is really good at this age. In fact, I love it that she can pick out my face and loves me to hold her. Recently, she has become much more cuddly. She snuggles her head into my chest which is oh so cute. But it would be nice to maybe take a nap myself once in a while or simply have my body free again. Just once in a while. Strangely enough, we co-sleep at night but Amelia won't let me lie down with her during the day. Only she gets precious sleep then. I do worry about how she will sleep when I go back to work. Will someone else be able to get her to sleep? I've decided our nanny will just have to figure out a way that works for her, just as I had to figure out what works for me. For now, sleeping in the moby is what is working. She goes to sleep relatively easy (again  not so sure what is easy but do know it is a hell of a lot easier than trying to get her to sleep in the crib or anywhere else on her own).

I know I used to be a much harsher judge on parents when I nannied and worked in child care. Now that I am a parent, I know that you just gotta do what brings you mental sanity. If that means driving for an hour to get your baby to sleep than that's what you gotta do. Amelia sleeps her best when lying next to me or being carried. It brings me much happiness knowing she is sleeping peacefully. It is also really nice to be able to hear her breathe and look at her precious face every second.

Oh, sleep is so precious. And once that sleep has arrived, I want to make sure we don't have to do the dance all over again for a while.

Here are some pictures of her sleeping at 10 and 12 weeks (sorry have not figured out how to rotate pictures).

Vegan without Soy

So, Amelia and I saw her doctor again today. I have taken her a couple times as she projectile vomits on occasion. It is horrible when she does vomit.. it usually goes across the room and makes a complete mess. I mean, get out the mop kinda mess. I called several times about this (as she has done it since she has been 1 or 2 weeks old) but no-one would take me seriously. They kept telling me, well all babies spit up on occasion and it is probably more than you think. No, this is a lot! Finally, I got a doctor to listen to me. She thinks Amelia might have a sensitivity to milk and soy. Since, I already don't eat milk, I just have to eliminate soy. I took her back to the doctor today because she has still been throwing up even though I have eliminated soy. It may take a while for the soy to get out of her system so the doctor isn't too worried. She thinks Amelia might also have some reflux issues. So, she is now taking some antacids. Poor thing! Not even 3 months old and is already on medicine. I hope it all makes her feel better though.

Eliminating soy from my diet is a little difficult but I think I can do it. I can easily substitute almond milk for soy milk. I've been eating a lot of beans now that I can't have tofu or tempeh. I just can't believe how many things have soy in it though. Chocolate chips, for instance, have soy in them! I've also been making sure to eat a lot more greens as they have a lot of calcium in them. I just hope she doesn't become of intolerant of more things as it would be difficult to eliminate more things from my diet.

Well, I can't believe it is already mid-December. We got our Christmas tree yesterday! I just need to decorate it now. I think Amelia will love the lights!!! She loves looking at things around her, especially ceiling lights. I'm super excited about her first Christmas. It is going to be too easy to spoil her with lots of presents. :)

It has been really hard to blog as Amelia usually only catnaps throughout the day. She has been asleep for nearly 2 hours now! I don't want to wake her as it takes so long to get her to sleep. Plus, she hasn't taken any other good naps all day. But, I probably should wake her soon as she is supposed to eat every 3 hours. I've also been worried about her weight gain, which has been slower than it should so it is really important she gets fed often. The weight gain (or lack of weight gain) might be from her reflux issues and/or the soy intolerance. I'm trying to get it figured out! It sure is hard as I don't know what is or is not normal for such little ones.

Here are a few recent pictures (as you can see she loves to put her hands in her mouth!):

They Grow So Fast!

Yes, it is something that every parent  has told me. "They grow so fast! Enjoy them while they are little!" Every day Amelia seems to change and get bigger. She had her two month appointment this week and weighed 9.7 lbs. She is only in the 20th percentile but still seems so big! We saw a newborn at a restaurant this past week, and I cannot believe how much Amelia has changed. Amelia looked like a big kid compared to the little newborn.

While part of me wants her to stay little forever, I am also looking forward to the day when I can sleep longer hours and possibly do more things for myself (like cook dinner!). I'm also excited to see what kind of person she is going to be. It is going to be amazing to watch her take her first steps and speak her first words.

Amelia seems to be more comfortable with the world around her and is extremely interested in looking at everything. She has a look of amazement on her face at almost all times. She loves staring at the sky and things on the ceiling. I can't imagine what is going through her little brain seeing the world for the first time. As she has become a little more comfortable with her surroundings, she has been letting others hold her and smiles almost all the time  now. She even wants to be put down now to explore the floor and move her body. It has been such a relief to be able to set her down for a few minutes. I can finally take a shower! :)

Amelia and I have been getting a lot more active. We went to our first mommy and me yoga class last week and are planning on going again today! The class was lots of fun. Amelia behaved super well, and it was great to be able to do yoga again. I feel completely out of shape. We have also gone out to eat several times, and Amelia slept through almost all of the meals. My friend Katie visited this past weekend, and Amelia took her first trip to the mountains! We drove to Idaho Springs and stopped at Red Rocks. It has been really nice to leave the house every once in a while. Staying at home all day with her can be really lonely and make me feel crazy. It is exhausting going out but is essential for my mental health.

Amelia looking at the ceiling (6 weeks old)

Amelia's First Trip to Sweet Action Ice Cream! 

Smiling Baby! 

First Month with Amelia

Wow! Amelia is 5 weeks today! This past month has gone by so quickly, yet I cannot imagine my life without her. I don't think I have ever felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and, yet, overcome with so much love. My life has completely changed in ways that are indescribable. I love this little girl so much.

This past month almost seems a blur. Amelia and I have spent our time bonding and getting to know each other. The first few weeks, Joshua and I called the doctor's office multiple times as we panicked something was wrong with her. Everything was fine and normal. I've spent my time this past month trying to figure out what makes this little girl happy and memorizing her beautiful face. I think we are finally beginning to figure each other out.

Having a baby is incredibly harder than I ever thought. From the intense hormone and bodily changes I am going through to the ear piercing screaming of Amelia, I have felt as though I have lost my mind several times. Amelia insists on being held ALL the time and by me. Simple things like taking a shower or sitting down to watch an entire tv show have become distant memories and dream vacations. 

Amelia is the sweetest girl despite all the challenges she brings. She has been smiling a lot lately in response to faces or sounds and makes the silliest faces. She provides immense amounts of entertainment. The things Amelia likes right now are being held (while standing up and bouncing), being sung to (especially Wagon Wheel and Baby Beluga), being in the moby wrap, and going for stroller walks. She absolutely hates getting her diaper changed and baths. 

I'm amazed every time I look at her that she is here in our lives. She is the most precious being I have ever seen. She absolutely takes my breath away and brings me to tears at times.

Amelia's First Stroller Ride

Amelia's First Bath

Tummy Time

Baby Kami Has Arrived!

Amelia Josephine 

September 18, 2011

2:34am 

7lbs 11oz 

20 inches 

Amelia is already 13 days old today! I am the happiest momma in the world! Amelia is the sweetest, most precious little girl. I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

I fell in love with Amelia the instant I saw her. Seeing her for the first time is something I will never forget. Her full head of dark hair and chubby cheeks completely took my breath away. Seeing her was magical and beautiful. I was shocked to think this little person just came out of me and was amazed that I was actually carrying a baby this whole time. I was in such joy that I had just given birth to the most beautiful being in the world! She manages to take my breath away every time I look at her.

Giving birth to Amelia is almost indescribable. My emotions were (and continue to be) at such extremes. My body never felt such intense pains before. And I don't think I have ever felt such instant love. I am going to try to recall the labor and birth in the best way I can. If I ever do this again, it would be good to recall what it was like and what was helpful. This is going to be incredibly long so be forewarned.

I woke up on Saturday morning, the 17th, around 7am feeling different. Something inside me told me to go back to sleep cause I would need the rest. So, that's what I did. I slept til about 9am which I never do anymore. When I did awake, I felt crampy almost as though I had menstrual cramps. I had had these crampy feelings before but for some reason had a feeling that today is going to be the day. I didn't want to get too excited though so just tried to go about my regular routine. Joshua wanted to get some errands done so I went along with him to the bank, car wash, and a few other places. During these errands, I noticed the cramps were starting to have a start and end to them whereas before they had always just felt constant. Joshua was going to try to time them but they were very irregular and not too noticeable. I decided I also didn't want to be watching the clock. If they turned into something real I would know it.

By the time we arrived home, maybe around 1pm, I was certain that what I was feeling were contractions. They still felt like menstrual cramps, just the most intense cramps I have ever had. They would take my breath away but I was still able to continue doing whatever I was doing. At some point, I decided to time the contractions. I took the laptop upstairs to the bedroom and timed the contractions using an online tool. They seemed to be around 7 minutes apart and lasted from 30 seconds to a minute each. They were bearable at this point. I found breathing through them, squatting, and leaning over the exercise ball helpful. As my mom was visiting, I didn't want to get her excited that something might be happening so Joshua and I gave her lots of tasks to do. She mowed the lawn, cut down a weed the size of a tree, and went grocery shopping for us. We gave her a list of a bunch of more small tasks to keep her busy and help us out if we needed to jet for the hospital at any minute. It is kinda funny in retrospect. I was having contractions, and Joshua was thinking about running to get a chain saw for my mom to do more yard work.

Around 4pm (not sure exactly when as time completely slipped my mind during all of this), Joshua and I decided to go for a walk. I read that this can help speed things up. I still was not in belief that this was the real thing but thought if it were a walk would tell. And the walk sure did tell! Joshua was timing my contractions on the walk, and I was having them regularly at 5 minutes apart. I would stop during a contraction and either squat or lean on Joshua. They were painful but I could breathe through them. We walked a little through City Park, and I knew I looked ridiculous but didn't care. The walk was really nice. It was Joshua and I's last time as just the two of us. We talked about what we wanted during the labor and about our excitement for our new addition.

While walking home, we got caught in a horrible rainstorm! It seemed to be lightning right above us and it was absolutely pouring. We were completely soaked despite the umbrella by the time we got home. My contractions were getting more intense at this time as well, and I had to stop when a wave came. Running home was not a possibility.

Once back home, I was freezing from the rain and feeling much more uncomfortable. I decided to take a hot bath which was relaxing. Joshua noticed that my contractions seemed to be pretty close and at some point said I think it is time to go to the hospital. When he said this was when I realized that this is really happening. My contractions were suddenly 3-4 minutes apart. Joshua starting frantically packing the rest of our hospital bag and I called the doctor's office to let them know I was planning on going to the hospital. I was not too worried about getting to the hospital late as we live only a few blocks away. It was also part of my plan to stay home as long as possible. I knew getting hooked up to monitors would be uncomfortable and preferred to stay somewhere comfortable.

So, we ended up somewhat rushing out of the house to the hospital. When we arrived, Joshua locked his car keys in the car! My keys were with my mom. I thought it was rather silly and told him it would be fine. For now, let's just get checked in. My mom ended up bringing my keys so Joshua could get back in the car. Checking in to the hospital was challenging, as I had to keep pausing for contractions. As the triage nurse was checking me, the registration person said something about "if" I get admitted, and the triage nurse interrupted to say "Oh, she is getting admitted." During these early contractions, I found it comfortable to sit on the exercise ball. The triage nurse was really nice and checked me pretty quickly so I could get upstairs. I was 6 centimeters dilated at this point which I can honestly say didn't mean anything to me. I didn't want to get caught up in how far along I was cause I knew that at any point it could either slow down or speed up. I tried to be in the mindset that things will progress as they need to.

Now, this is when things start to get blurry and really intense. Once in the labor/delivery room, my contractions began to feel unbearable. There was no exercise ball in the room as there was supposed to be, and I could not find a position that was comfortable. Trying to get into a different position was extremely painful as well. So, while I couldn't stand being where I was wherever that was, it seemed more painful to move. I did go into the jetted tub (which was huge!) and found that somewhat comforting. My breath continued to be my savor during the whole process. I also enjoyed the music Joshua played on the ipod. This seemed to help me take my mind off what was going on. I think I might have chewed on a gallon of ice chips as well. And poor Joshua must have felt as though he were getting beat up as I leaned on him during most of my contractions. Having him in the room was unbelievably amazing. Our doula, Joy, was at the hospital soon after we got there as well and was extremely comforting. I was remarkably able to block everything/everyone out for the most part. My fear that I would be concerned about people staring at me was not there at all during the process. I didn't care what I looked or sounded like. All my inhibitions were let down. I felt as though I were in some dark tunnel trying to crawl my way out. I could hear that there were people on the other end but didn't see them. I would just feel for Joshua and be comforted that I was not completely lost.

At one second labor seemed to be progressing at lightning speed but most of the time I wondered how long I could endure the pain. The contractions came so close together that there didn't feel as though there were any breaks. I remember Joy telling me to take advantage of the breaks and to catch my breath, but the pain never seemed to completely subside. During the brief seconds where the pain was less intense, I feared the next contraction. Trying to breathe through the contractions was intensely hard, as I wanted to scream out loud and cry instead. I remember at one point asking for help. I wanted someone to rescue me from the most intense pain I had ever felt. I felt scared and beaten down.

Some of the worst moments during labor was when my water broke. This felt as though a flood were being sprayed out of me. And it continued with every contraction afterwards. There was meconium in my water, which basically meant Amelia had pooed while still inside. The nurse looked really worried and said that there would have to be extra people in the room during delivery and that if Amelia was not crying when she came out that they would have to take her. Then forward I was extremely worried that there was going to be something wrong with Amelia.

Other bad (but not as bad as the water breaking moment) was having the IV put in my hand. My contractions were extremely painful but somehow the IV was even worse at the moment. The nurse took forever to get the IV in my hand and seemed to be getting frustrated with putting it in. Having to lay on my back to endure monitoring the baby was also excruciating. And there was a squeaky stool in the room that was very annoying. I was proud of myself that I was willing and able to let others know what I didn't like and what I wanted. I tried not to be rude but also wanted others to know how they could help me as quickly as possible.

Overall, I am really happy with our experience at the hospital. I am grateful we had a birth plan written up, as everyone seemed to abide by it. Joy was also helpful in enforcing the birth plan. One of the nurses didn't seem to agree with what I wanted but she still respected my wishes. I was relieved we didn't have to fight anyone over the plan and was grateful to have the medical staff there when things got scary. Many people led me to believe I was making the wrong choice with having a hospital birth (and especially with having the birth at St Joe's), but I found St. Joe's to be very accommodating and understanding.

At some point I made my way back to the tub, as I could not stand the bed nor the ball that was finally brought to me. In the tub a second time, I remember feeling the baby moving down. The pressure was much lower and getting even worse (which I couldn't believe it was capable of getting worse). Staying with my breathe was getting more challenging. I must have screamed at the top of my lungs a couple of times but try to come back to grunting instead of screaming. The nurse ran into the room around this time and said it sounded as though I were pushing. I asked to be checked as I felt as though I should be pushing. The nurse checked me and didn't even say anything to me. Instead, she paged the doctor and starting frantically preparing the room for delivery. Many people rushed in the room as though the baby were going to come out any second. I suppose she could have come out any second but the pushing took a long time.

So, I began to push. What's funny was I was not sure how to push. The nurse instructed me to push without noise and from my abdomen rather than my chest. Pushing made me use every muscle in my body and each one would completely wipe me out. As there were many people in the room, I felt as though I were getting five different directions at once. Push! Don't exhale! Take a breath, you're turning blue! Keep pushing! I knew I had to do what felt right to me. I pushed myself to the ultimate extreme but would take a breathe when I needed to. I was mad at the nurse for saying something like, the baby is going back inside. She said it in a way that made me feel like a failure. I remember thinking this baby is going to come out, just be patient lady. At first, the pain scared me, and I had a hard time pushing into it. By the end, I knew I had to push into the pain. Amelia's head seemed to be crowning for a long time and this seemed to worry the doctors. The doctors would whisper to each other and have a look of concern on their faces. I was getting really worried at this point about my baby, which I think motivated me to push harder. After a long time of pushing, the doctor looked at me and said in a defiant voice, "This is going to be your last push." And I believed her for some reason. I pushed harder than before and took a short breathe before pushing again. I told myself I could do this, and I did. Thinking about seeing my baby was the best motivation.

And amazingly, Amelia was being handed to me. I cried instantly. I was amazed by how big she was and that I just gave birth to her. I couldn't believe that I did it. She was not crying and was extremely purple so her cord caught cut right away. I was so worried something was wrong, but she started crying soon after the nurses swept her away.

During the delivery, I lost a ton of blood. I literally sprayed the doctors with blood, which really scared me. Once Amelia was born, I was shocked by how painful the delivery of the placenta was. I thought the pain would be over but it only continued. The doctors pushed hard on my belly to help with the bleeding. I was given pitocin to help the uterus contract or stop contracting (not sure what was happening at this moment). I felt so weak but finally had my baby in my arms. Amelia fed right away and ate for an hour!

Before going to the recovery room, the nurse said I had to use the bathroom. I felt as though I couldn't even move. My whole body felt numb. As I was walking to the bathroom, I felt extremely dizzy. The nurse told me to put my head between my knees once I sat on the toilet and then left me there! I thought I was dying. The nurse seemed to threaten me that if I didn't go pee, they would have to put a catheter in me, which she said would be painful. I was scared how painful it could be, being that I just went through the most painful thing in my life. I feared it would be more painful than that, even though I didn't know how. So, I sat on the toilet even though I couldn't go. My head felt too heavy to hold up so I asked for Joshua. I leaned on him and told him I was going to pass out. And that's what I did. I woke up from what felt like a faraway dream and was confused by where I was. There was this awful smell and the nurse was holding me. They got me back to my bed somehow, and I was given an oxygen mask. I was later given the catheter, which I have to say was not bad at all. My body already felt numb so I barely felt anything. It was much better than feeling like death on a toilet seat.

Recovering my Amelia's delivery has been much harder than I ever thought. Whenever I complained about pregnancy aches, people would tell me the only relief would be having the baby. Giving birth to Amelia has brought a whole new set of aches and pains though. For days I felt as though I could barely walk. My entire body aches from the labor, and I have been completely exhausted. I have anemia from all the blood lost and was told recovering from the birth will take 3-6 months. I love my  little Amelia and believe it was all worth it. I've just been taking back by how painful the whole process has been and continues to be.

So, that's Amelia's birth story. I delivered her without any drugs which was completely amazing. I never even asked nor was offered drugs. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life but have a feeling Amelia will bring a lot more challenges along the way. I feel strangely ready for whatever life has in store though. I love her so much it hurts, and I am going to be the best mom I can be for her.

Waiting for Baby

39 Weeks 

With only 3 days til my due date, I am just waiting for baby's arrival. I am anxious to meet my little one but feeling more nervous about labor as the arrival day approaches. I am trying to stay calm and tell myself that my body will tell me what to do. I won't deny that I am afraid of how painful it is going to be and how I will endure it, but I am relieved to know I will have support in the room. Joshua and Joy, our doula, will be the in the room with me to remind me of the pain relieving techniques I have learned. 

My mom arrived this week, and I hope she gets to meet baby before she leaves. I don't think this baby is going to come according to anyone else's schedule though. I just have to be patient and know that it will come when it is ready. Having my mom here this week is really nice even without the baby, as she has been helping with cleaning,  yard work, and a bunch of other stuff. I have been really exhausted so I greatly appreciate the extra help. She bought us a bunch of baby clothes yesterday too (mom wanted to get both a girl's outfit and boy's outfit--I'll simply return the one we don't use).  

I have slowly been transitioning myself out of work this week. I wanted to take some time off while my mom visited but have also found that I really enjoy having the time to relax. Being able to take a nap in the middle of the day is really nice! It has been hard for me to let my work go and pass on the responsibility to someone else, but I know work will get done without me. 

I had a little bit of a scare this week but everything is okay. I felt faint and had intense pains in my abdomen on Tuesday. I got checked out, and baby and me were all okay. Baby may have just been pressing up on some organs/blood vessels and was giving me the most horrible heartburn I have ever had. My legs felt weak and it was hard to move my body. Other than that day, though, I have been feeling pretty good. My midwife says everything looks good and reminded me that first time moms typically go into labor 5 days after their due date. I even lost a little bit of weight this past week, but she thought this was most likely water weight lost. 

So, everything looks good.. just waiting for baby to come! 

8 Days and Counting!

Only 8 days til my due date! But of course I could go into labor any day now.. or it could still be another 3 weeks.  It is so exciting and scary at the same time to think how my life is going to completely change at any minute. Trying to plan my week or even day feels impossible as I am not sure if baby will be here. I don't want to buy too many groceries as I am not sure I'll be able to cook the food!

I'm feeling pretty prepared (or at least as much as one can for the unexpected) and am now just waiting. The baby's room is all set up now. We have furniture, diapers, clothes, car seat is installed, and so many other little things all ready. Joshua and I made a Babies R Us run yesterday for some last minute stuff. My maternity leave has even started! Even though, I am planning on going into work a little bit this week as long as baby permits.

Recently, I have even felt as though I have more energy which is completely amazing. I actually feel much better now than I have for a while. My swelling seems to have gone down a little, and I don't seem to be sleep walking all day long. It may be because my body is allowing me to "nest" or, more likely, it is because moving is over and work has slowed down. August sure was busy and completely wore me out. It feels good to be able to have some time now to relax every once in a while.

Women who have been pregnant and due around the same time as me have had their babies. I'm just waiting for my turn now! My friend Rachel had a little baby girl, Julia, two weeks ago. Julia is the cutest, tiniest thing ever!! Seeing Julia gets me really excited about having my own baby and also completely shocks me that I am actually going to have a little baby like that too any day.

Photo taken at Phish Concert (9/3/11)

I'm having a baby this month!

It's September! Finally! I feel as though I have been pregnant forever and am so anxious to soon have a little baby in my arms. I've recently had this feeling that baby is on its way but don't want to get too excited yet. It could still be another 5 weeks but my gut tells me baby is not going to give me that long. It is time to make my final purchases and get everything washed.

Now that we are in our new house, I am trying to get everything arranged and prepared for baby's arrival. Joshua put the car seat in the car the other day, and I have set up baby's travel crib. It's starting to look like there is going to be a baby in this house!

I had two baby showers last weekend and got a bunch of awesome stuff! One of the showers was a surprise from my co-workers. Both were so much fun and made me feel really loved. At my first baby shower, friends made me a birthing bracelet which I will treasure for a long time. At my second baby shower, we made a scrap book for a baby's book. Such creative ideas that are really special!

Joshua and I finished up our birthing classes a while ago and took a tour of the hospital. The hospital tour really calmed my fears of having a birth there. They seemed really progressive, and the facility is super nice. I had been questioning whether a hospital birth was the right choice for me or not but after our tour I feel confident that a hospital birth will be a great experience.

The month of August was super busy (thus I did not post much). From moving to baby classes to having a huge fundraising event at work, I was completely wiped. Things are starting to settle down but only enough for me to recognize all the things that still need to be done before baby's arrival. I am hoping to get a lot of the final touches done this weekend just in case baby comes early. I'm running out of time!!!

Picture is from Week 37. Taken in baby's (messy) room!

10 Things No-One Tells You About Pregnancy

Picture is from Week 34.

I started this post a while back but never finished it until now..

While I knew that pregnancy was going to be a huge life changing experience, I don't think I realized to what extent. I had been told you have mood swings when pregnant, develop intense food cravings, pee a lot, and are simply uncomfortable. All in all, I don't think I really knew what to expect. None of my very close friends have been pregnant (until I got pregnant!) and many people don't want to talk about all the changes that happen with pregnancy. Well, I am going to call them out right now. I made a top ten list but could probably name a million things that have surprised me about pregnancy.

Be forewarned.. this is mostly a complaint list so if you don't want to listen to me whine, please don't read. :)

1. That morning sickness is HELL! It lasts all day long and completely wears you out. Even if I was not throwing up, I felt nauseous all the time. I have been asked by quite a few, "Oh do you just have a little morning sickness today?" A little? And just? No, I have a lot and feel completely like shit. I was caught off guard on how horrible I felt especially right at the beginning. The first 3-4 months were absolutely the worst.

2. Intense exhaustion. I was the most tired at the beginning of the pregnancy (could have been b/c I was barely eating and throwing up what I did eat). I felt as though I could sleep all the time and would practically. When I was awake, my mind felt like one big cloud. I'm still super tired and frustrated by how little my body lets me do. For instance, going to the grocery store is exhausting and will poop me out for the rest of the day.

3. You develop a super sense of smell which, unfortunately, is not a great superpower to have. This symptom faded pretty quickly after the 1st trimester ended.. thank goodness. Everything would stink, including my husband. I went to the mall early in pregnancy and was completely overwhelmed by all the aromas. I felt as though I were going crazy when I couldn't even tolerate my own house.

4. Things that come out of your body. My boobs leak and I sweat more. None of this is pleasant. I will spare you the rest of the details.

5. Leg cramps that make you get up and scream. I have had some of the worst leg cramps in my entire life. I woke up screaming one night from all the pain and think I scared Joshua half to death. The cramps typically come at night but make my legs stiff the entire day.

6. Pregancy carpal tunnel. This has been one of my biggest complaints and had never ever heard of it. My hands get numb and wake me up at night from all the pain. It probably started at the beginning of the third trimester and has only gotten worse as the days go by. Some mornings I wake up and cannot move my hands.

7. Your whole body feels different. It is not just that my belly is getting bigger, but my whole body feels as though it is going through a transformation. I have gotten pimples and dark spots. I had really intense headaches at the beginning. My hair and nails grow faster/thicker. And of course my mind is changing. I see everything differently from myself to the entire world. While my body may feel huge and uncomfortable at times, I am also amazed by what it is doing.

8. Constipation and hemorrhoids. That's probably enough said.

9. People's reactions. I'm amazed how openly people will bring up my body as a point of discussion. It almost feels as though others assume my body is not my own now that I have a being growing inside of me. From the stares I get when I walk into Starbucks to strangers commenting on my size, I haven't decided how I feel about it all. I'm happy that others are excited for me and want to talk about the joy of parenthood and usually seem generally concerned about how I feel. Sometimes, though, people seem to negatively judge the decisions I am making during pregnancy (including where I am giving birth, what I have or have not bought for the baby, etc). To the woman at Starbucks staring at me: Yes, I do drink a little caffeine (only tea) but, no, this is not something that you have the right to judge.

10. Your body is growing another human being. Now, I obviously knew that this would happen if I became pregnant but had no idea how this would feel. My belly is rounder for sure but there are all these internal changes that happen with pregnancy. My baby kicks and does somersaults inside of me. It is sometimes awake when I want to sleep or likes to be in positions that I don't prefer. I don't think I realized how strong of an attachment I would already feel for this little thing inside of me. I feel ultra protective of my growing sea-monkey and try to make the best decisions possible for it every day. While I have never seen or held my little baby, I feel it move inside me everyday and already know some of its personality. Part of me is somewhat sad that this being is going to separate from me soon. In the outside world, I will have to share the baby with others and let it be its own person. I'm excited for all those things to happen but will also miss this special time with just the two of us.

32 Weeks

This week has been filled with baby and labor education. On Tuesday evening, I had a breastfeeding class. On Wednesday, Joshua and I had our childbirth class. On Thursday, we had my 32nd week doctor appointment and a meeting with our doula. Goodness! I love feeling prepared, but it has been a lot of information to process for one week. Joshua told me at one point, he needed 30 minutes without talking about labor/baby. :)

My breastfeeding class was really wonderful. It made me feel more confident that I can do this. The instructor made it seem easy and taught us very useful, tangible skills. I think my biggest concerns around breastfeeding deal with going back to work. Right now, though, I am trying to take it one step at a time. I won't have to think about combining breastfeeding with work for a little while yet.

While Joshua and I like our childbirth class, we have been feeling as though it has been missing an important piece on the logistics of labor. I am so happy that we have Joy (our doula) to answer any questions we still have and discuss with us things we should know! Our childbirth class primarily focuses on preparing us mentally for labor and how to cope with pain. I've learned a lot about myself, including what comforts me and how I vision labor. The class has been a great time for me to connect to the baby. While I have been feeling scared of being the sole person responsible for giving birth to this baby and even feeling alone in the process, our class has talked about connecting with your baby through the labor and thinking about how the two of you are in this together. I found that really comforting and beautiful. It's not just me who is going through the labor; my baby will signal to me when he/she is ready to come and will be doing work as well.

My 32 week doctor appointment went well! The appointments are typically pretty quick. Blood pressure, weight, urine, and baby's measurements all look good. I am relieved to know baby is measuring right on track! We have been seeing a really great midwife at these appointments. She takes time to answer any questions we have and helps put my worries aside. Through my insurance plan, I won't know who will be in the delivery room with me so thought about switching what doctor/midwife I see at the prenatal appointments but have decided instead to stick with someone I like. I'll have Joshua and Joy in the room with me and think they can provide me with the familiar faces I need.

I'm so relieved that our week of appointments ended with Joy. She is so wonderful, and I am incredibly grateful for her support and knowledge. She gave me some to-do's for now until the end of pregnancy. I need to take probiotics, drink red raspberry tea, sit or lean forward as much as possible to get baby in the ideal position, and continue doing yoga. I love it when people give me advice like this; I feel as though I am proactively doing something everyday that is helping baby's arrival.

The end of the third trimester has brought on some aches and pains but nothing compares to the horrible feelings of the 1st trimester. I've been having trouble sleeping at night and even moving around. I seem to have developed pregnancy carpal tunnel which is so painful! At night, it is the worst. My hands go numb. The baby has also been kicking much harder and wakes me up at night. It kicks so hard that I sometimes fear something is wrong.

Besides some sleepless nights, I have been overall feeling really good. I feel huge but good. Of course the heat is a huge discomfort, but I think I'm starting to get used to it or have just learned to tolerate it a little more.

9 more weeks and so much to do

We have exciting news! It looks like we are moving forward on buying a house! Woohoo!!! We have been extremely busy lately with trying to seal the deal. Our condo went under contract a week ago, and we immediately put in an offer on a house we like. Every day it looks more and more like a real possibility that we are going to have our own house with our own back yard. It is so exciting to think our baby may get a room of its own, and we'll have space for so many more things!

In the midst of signing paperwork for the new house and tidying ends for the condo, we have been really busy with baby stuff. Only nine more weeks, so I have been feeling the pressure to get everything done in time. We have started our child birth classes and took a newborn class a week ago. We love our child birth classes! We are taking "Birthing from Within" classes at the place I do yoga. The class is really small so there is time for discussion and questions.

This past weekend, we bought a TON of stuff for the baby! We hit up a huge community sale where we got so many baby things for awesome deals. At our first stop we got a swing and "exersaucer" for free! We completely filled our car with crib sheets, baby toys, clothes, blankets, and so much more. I'm so excited to say we only spent $100!

While life seems to get busier by the minute, my energy level sinks further every day. I am constantly tired and feel as thought I could sleep 24/7. I honestly feel more tired than I have ever in my whole life. The hot weather does not help at all. Our new place will have A/C! I cannot wait. :)

3rd Trimester!

As of last week, I am in my 3rd and final trimester! This pregnancy has been quite a journey, but I am not sure I feel quite ready to have a baby in my life in nearly two months. So many things to get ready and still need to prepare myself mentally. I recently bought several more books as I'm nervous I don't know what I'm doing. I suppose I will never feel fully ready though.

It sure is summer in Colorado! It has been so hot! I worry how I'm going to get through two plus months of this weather. Joshua has been such a sweetheart as he has been giving me the car to drive to work on real hot days. I feel immensely guilty as I only work about a mile from home, but it sure is nice to not be outside in the brutal sun.

Joshua and I have been trying to find "cool" activities on the weekends since we only have a window ac unit in the bedroom that doesn't always work the best. This past Saturday, we went to the art museum as it was a free day. I really enjoyed it but was surprised by how quickly I got tired from walking around. We have been seeking out lots of ac places, like movies, restaurants, coffee shops, etc. We also went to a concert at Red Rocks a few weekends ago (saw Widespread Panic). It was much cooler in the foothills than in Denver! I was nervous that the sound would be too loud, but my doctor said it was fine to go. Of course, I had to go to the bathroom about a million times, and the stairs to get to the bathroom are horrendous at Red Rocks! I surely got my exercise for the day. I really enjoyed the concert and am very happy that I can still have a little fun every once in a while. :)

I had my 28 week appointment last week. I was so excited to hear that I only gained 1 lb since my last appointment! Baby is measuring right on track and everything looked great. I took a glucose test and am thankful to hear that I do not have gestational diabetes. I was told, though, that I need to be drinking more water, especially in the summer. I am not sure how to do this! I must drink a gallon a day already.

This upcoming Saturday is our newborn class! July is going to be a busy month with childbirth classes. I'm really excited to learn and meet other people in our classes.

The receiving end of child care

As a soon-to-be working mom, I need to explore who is going to take care of my child while I'm at work. I've begun thinking about getting a nanny or possibly going with a child care center. I've been on the other side of child care quite a bit in my life, from being a child care provider to being an advocate for child care expansion and affordability. I knew the issues exist, such as high cost and long wait lists. It sure makes it all that much more real, though, when this is now my issue to find a solution.

Since I have been both a child care teacher at a day care and worked as a nanny, I feel as though I have some insight into the type of care I would like. I would prefer a nanny, at least for the first year, as she could provide individual attention. I would also be able to keep my child at home in a setting familiar for him/her. Day cares try to get all the kids on the same schedule, and this can be hard on a little one. I haven't found that infants really care to interact with other babies, rather they just want to be held and fed. After looking at this option, though, I have realized that having a nanny is quite expensive.

So, I decided to call some child care centers to look for infant care, even though this is not my preference. My first stumbling block occurred when I found out that many child care centers do not provide care until age 2 1/2. This is obviously not helpful. What do families do for the first 2 1/2 years? I finally got a place on the phone that does provide infant care but come to find out they have a wait list til October 2012. I wondered how this is even possible. Do they reserve spots for kids before they are even born? To even be put on a wait list, I would have to give a non-refundable deposit. I would like to get on multiple wait lists so that way I can take advantage of the first spot that opens. Having to put a non-refundable deposit down really limits that possibility. I also feel like my situation could change before October 2012. Maybe I will decide I want a place close to my house.. wherever that would be. I was also not happy to find out that this particular place did not offer part-time care for infants. I'm hoping to work from home part-time or go in late so we don't need full-time care. She stated they only offer full-time care for infants because of the difficult transitions. Now, I know this is complete bull as I have provided care for infants before. Infants adjust better than older kids with multiple care-takers. It is not typically until they are 2 or 3 that they start to get upset when they are dropped off at day care. And to make things worse, I asked about scheduling a tour and she told me that tours are scheduled between 9-3:30 Monday-Friday. Now, if I could come in during those times I would probably not be looking for child care in the first place. In conclusion, after this one phone call, I think I will look more into getting a nanny.

One option I have been thinking about is looking for a nanny-share, where I would share a nanny with one or more families. We would alternate homes or just pick one to do the care. This seems to make having a nanny a little more affordable. While it seems extremely late in the game to look for a child care center, it is too early to find a nanny. Most nannies are looking to get hired right away. I'm just wondering, though, if I need to start looking at child care centers now for when my child is 2 years old. Oh goodness, the decisions never end.

Father's Day

This past weekend was Father's Day and during my yoga class we were asked how we imagine a father's role. It was making me think about how I don't imagine Joshua's role much differently than mine. In fact, I feel really blessed to say we have a great partnership, and I believe we will work as a team raising our kid. I feel very fortunate to have such a loving person in my life who will be there to support me through the rest of my pregnancy, the labor, parenting, and beyond. In supporting each other, I imagine that we will be there for one another, as we always have, to provide balance in our home. When I feel overwhelmed, he may step up to provide comfort to me or simply do the cooking that night. And same with him, if he feels stressed out, I will be there to provide peacefulness and do the mundane tasks that need to be done. It brings so much comfort to me knowing that I have such a loving, supportive person in my life to go through this journey with me. Knowing that I have someone and our child has someone to rely on through thick and thin is such a completely amazing feeling. Being a father means doing many of the things we do already... just doing them now for another person as well. Joshua brings laughter, love, and so many other wonderful things in my life. He has talents and knowledge of the world that I do not have. Just as he opens my eyes and teaches me things, I see him doing this for our child.

Happy father-to-be day to the love of my life! I know you are going to be an amazing father, and I am so excited to watch your relationship grow with our child.

26 weeks

Coming closer to the end of pregnancy brings on new changes. Yesterday at my yoga class our mantra was, "I love my changing body." I am trying to embrace the changes that my body undertakes every day. It is hard though when so many of the changes bring about aches and pains. I got the worst leg cramp last night while I was sleeping. I think I scared Joshua half to death as I screamed out in pain. My leg still hurts today. And I could complain about how my feet and back hurt. I think all of these changes though remind me how important it is to nurture my body.

I am committed to doing some form of exercise every day. I usually walk to and from work every day, and I have been going to yoga 1-2 times a week. And I am thinking about going swimming this weekend. Exercise has taken on a whole new experience. I find it a great time to not only rejuvenate myself but is also a great time to connect with the baby growing inside me. Yoga has been a continually changing process, as some poses are ever so challenging with a pregnant body while some seem easier or more comforting as I seem to have developed more flexibility in areas. My body craves the movement from exercise, and it always feels good to stretch my body through these aches that I have never felt before.

I am also trying to accept and love the way my body looks as it is changing. I did not think I would be so self conscious about my belly but sometimes it just looks huge to me! And I think, gosh it is only June.. how much bigger will it get? Or I think how I just look fat rather than pregnant. I was actually surprised that I have been having these feelings as I have always thought pregnant women look so beautiful. It's one thing to see a cute pregnant woman and then see myself in the mirror. I'm learning to embrace my changing body though. My belly is an ever constant reminder that I no longer have just me to worry about in this world. I have a huge responsibility to nourish myself with good foods and treat my body with love as I am growing a new person inside of me! At night, I love laying down and looking at my belly as it moves. My belly sometimes looks like waves as little seamonkey swims around.

Yesterday, I was somewhat comforted to know that people are beginning to notice that I am pregnant. I was asked for the first time if I am pregnant. People may have been noticing for a while but have not felt comfortable asking. I am always embarrassed to have people talk about me (especially my body) but was relieved to know that others are concluding I am pregnant rather than just fat.

I think now might be a good time to treat my body to a massage or something else completely relaxing. It's hard work making a baby!

Picture is of me at 26 weeks, 4 days.